HEAD ABOVE THE WATER

2012-01-25T07:10:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes the insanity of the nondrinker can be more obvious than the drinker"
-How Al-Anon Works

My Life Has Become Unmanageable

2012-01-25T07:05:00.000-08:00

I fooled myself into thinking that I had everything in check. I broke up with Mr. Man, started exploring my love for woman, yada yada...I was so overly confident that I even canceled my counseling sessions. A few months later I feel forced into staying with Mr. Man after a failed suicide attempt. (to be frank & honest I believe this suicide attempt was a dangerously bizarre way to get my attention).
The girl I was getting sweet on suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. Which may have been a good thing seeing as Mr. Man is so very persistant & has so far managed to make my life a living hell.
I understand that when I had previously put my foot down, I didn't put it down hard enough. Finaly I understand that my life is waaaay too complicated to be untangled without help. I totaly get the 1st step now. I am ready to admit that my life has become unmanageable.

2011-11-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

Even though I managed to act like a complete dork on our 1st date she actualy agreed to see me again! We keep calling it "hanging out" but in my mind I'm calling it dates. She wants to do the sushi thing. I told her I've never tried sushi but I'm willing to give it a go. Truth is theres a reason I haven't tried sushi. Despite everybody & thier cousin's claim that sushi is yummy it just dosen't look like something that will float my boat. So here's hoping that date #2 doesn't result in me making an even bigger dork out of myself. I'm praying that I'll like it. I can't stand ordering food in a restaurant only to discover that I can't finish my plate because it tastes like dog food.

On another note. Took my son to see Maya Angelou last thursday. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing! She kept saying that poetry is for everybody's use. Then she recited Still I Rise. And what do you know. My son leans over & says "Hey, that's a Tupac song!" Yes honey, see poetry is indeed for EVEYBODY'S use.

Karma ain't so much of a bitch after all

2011-10-31T13:35:00.000-07:00

Went on a date last night...with a woman. We are somewhat in the same boat, both being bi curious. Well seeing as she has had a past experience I guess she's one up on me. Oh & yeah I haven't dated in 17 years. So you can imagine how the typical 1st date jitters were twice fold for me.
I chose the restaurant The Tasting Room because I thought that their reverse menu idea would be kinda cool. They are mostly known for their appetizers. Usually patrons order a few then pick off each other's plate but your not really picking off each other's plate because the food is presented like a buffet on your table situated for everyone reach. Anyways we both ordered 3 appetizers & ended up with an enormous smorgasbord of finger foods on the table. (I forgot how big the plates @ this restaurant are) 4 out of 6 being seafood so our doggy bag options were limited.
I was wearing a light grey sweater and was so nervous that I was afraid to raise my arms to high because I was pretty sure that I had perspiration in my pits. I tried to cross my legs a couple times and both times smacked my boots on the pedestal style table leg. Why a restaurant would have tables that don't allow room to cross your legs is beyond me. So twice I bumped the table..hard.

I've never been a scholar @ thinking of clever things to say in order to continue the flow of conversation. Lucky for me, she on the other hand has this gift. I mean I definitely enthusiastically participate in the conversation. I'm just no good @ starting it.
When I originally asked her out, I suggested dinner or bowling or both. She agreed to go out to dinner but never confirmed bowling. The night of the date she indicated that she didn't really want to go bowling & I kinda got the feeling that I blew it.

I drove her home and before getting out of the car she asked me if I wanted to hang out again. That totally caught me off guard. I was so sure that this was the 1st & last date for me. I said of course! Then I started to explain to her how the 1st date really shouldn't be used as the ultimate deciding factor, you know, nerves & all. But really it just came out as gibberish & I ended up babbling, theres those nerves again. Before I finished I turned my head towards her & boom her lips were on mine lightening quick cutting off my silly makes absolutely no sense speech.

I can't remember anything feeling so damn soft & beautiful & erotic all @ the same time, ever. We kissed & before I knew it she was out of my car smiling & waving goodbye. If she had kissed me for even a few seconds longer there is the strong possibility that I would have came in my panties.

I don't know what I did right or maybe I didn't, perhaps karma is finally working on my side. In that case karma ain't so much of a bitch after all.

Going to be Okay...I Think

2011-06-05T15:04:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to be okay. I'm stewing in thick gravy darkness, can barely eat or sleep yet I'm drowsy. I guess it's called depression but still I believe that I'm going to be okay. Mr. Man has disappeared again this weekend as usual. He sponges off of me all week, eating my food, spending my money. Then his payday hits & boom he pays his shit & takes off. I already decided that he won't be moving back in. There is no way I can live with him again. I feel pathetic for tolerating him thus far even after the lies & cheating. I'm so done. That's my final answer.

Been spending a great amount of time crying. Crying that I'm 32 & just now starting to understand what I deserve & I what I don't deserve. I'm scared shit less not knowing what awaits me in the future. At the same time I'm slowly learning to enjoy my own company. Loneliness kind of sucks. But I also enjoy the quiet. I enjoy being able to masturbate on my schedule. ha ha.

There are things I want to experience after 16 years of repression. I'd like to explore my attraction to women. See where that takes me. Whether it be a few hot & steamy encounters or a new friendship that eventually grows into an intimate relationship. Not sure yet. Never been with a women and I don't know what to expect. I just want pussy! Problem being is I have absolutely no idea how to go about it. Not like I can walk up to some chick & say "hey, I'm bi curious would you mind if I tried you out?" Think it's hard to meet men? The challenge is greater when what you want is literally hiding. Due to society so called taboos especially in my city, people walk around with the assumption of heterosexuality. Bisexuality is the exception that most around here don't exactly broadcast in public.

I figure that I'm just going to do my thing. Take care of myself the best way I know how & let be. Let life take me where ever I'm so supposed to end up. The only thing I know for sure is that I'm going to be okay. I have to tell myself that.

All I See is Fireworks

2011-05-15T23:38:00.000-07:00

Been thinking about my life lately. The choices I've made & didn't make that altered my path in life. The things that I've done to people to affect their lives & things done to me that have affected my life. And the things that just always seem to come out of nowhere crushing me like meteorites.

My life is so unbelievably dysfunctional that sometimes I sit there & say to myself, "really? Again?" Some people have been through individual crisis situations. But somebody decided that I was special & rolled all the bull crap into one big ball & shoved it down my throat.

Currently I'm in a little bit of shock because in the past 4 weeks my mother has made as many trips to the ER with emergency level blood pressure. Heart attack, stroke, kidney failure & blindness level. Serious shit.

I'm the oldest daughter & take responsibility for being mom's go to daughter. Anything she needs I'm there. I watched her care for her parents when they needed her. I am honored to do the same for her. I love her. It's just exhausting.

In regards to Mr. Man. I've probably made the biggest mistake I've made in a very long time. I'll just spit it out plainly. Mr Man is going to sublet his apartment & move back in. Why? You ask after dedicating about 90% off your blog to trashing him?

I need to pay my bills. Plain & simple. I swam for freedom & I failed.

We made an agreement that he would have his work checks deposited into my account so that this time around I'm not having to guess whether or not he's telling me the truth about how much he got paid. I made it clear that this is not a good thing. Not a reconciliation. Purely a financial decision. I'm sure he believes that about as much as I believe that he'll straiten himself up anytime soon.

During all this. I'm trying to understand & explore my feelings of love for women. I feel like I need to hide it from him. I shouldn't. I should say screw you, this is how I feel, I'm not your bitch anymore. Instead though, I keep multiple windows open & use in private browsing. It's shameful that I feel the need to act so shameful.

Drama 101

2011-04-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

4 months ago I discovered Mr. Man had some sort of secret relationship with "Christine". 4 days ago I discovered that it was this time last year he had an affair with yet a different woman. Should I care? I mean we are broken up now. But I do care. I'm hurt beyond belief. Not only did he have an affair with this tramp but when it was over he continued to pursue her. And to top it off the two of them were flaunting it in my face the whole damn time! They are Facebook friends. Last year I noticed how often they were posting on each others walls. When I asked him about it he told me she was some chick his friend (whom passed away) used to mess with. I let it go. But events in the past few months have led me to hard proof of what was going on between them. (I managed to hack his facebook & snooped his cell msgs). I contacted her & told her what sort of tramp I thought she was for spreading her legs for a married man. Initially she replied abrasively, even threatened me with violence & had the nerve to blame me for the affair saying I should have given Mr. Man more respect. I shot back with a very long message telling her that I had put up with a lot of shit, Mr. Man is an alcoholic & I know that I am not responsible for his behaviour, I was a damn good wife & mother. What ever knowledge she has of my relationship begins & ends with what ever bullshit he told her to convince her to open the pussy. Told her that she ought to be ashamed of herself. Now that she's had her fun & my life is ruined how dare she after that bust an attitude on me. I also said that hopefully someday when she grows up she'll look back on her actions & realize the negative effect they had on people she didn't even know & who have never done anything to her and that she will now bear the scar of one of those chicks that fucked with a married man. Not something to be proud of & that I'd be walking away from this with my head held high. Unfortunately her being one of the bad guys, can't. There was so much more but that's the gist of it. She sent me a final message saying she takes owness for her actions & that she's sorry. What ever. The worse thing about this affair is that he's in love with her. Ouch, my heart is seriously crumbling. Who is he? I don't even know him. Thought I did but I don't. I'm heartbroken that he allowed himself to drift so far away from me & into another women's arms.

Am I surprised? Yes and no. I guess I'm half a fool. I damn well knew that any man that stays out all night, (& I mean literally sometimes did not even come home) must be up to no good. I knew that. But all those years I couldn't leave him, I was stuck. So I lied to myself & told myself nothing was going on. That was the only way I could possibly stay sane while having to tolerate his many absences.

I'm an emotional wreck right now. It doesn't help that Mr. Man is still trying to minimize the situation & convince me to let it go & give him another chance. I'm trying so hard to distance myself from him so that I can begin healing & constructing a new life sans him. But every time I tear a hole & extricate myself from his web he digs his nails in me & tries to yank me back in. Earlier tonight he showed up here trashed with a cab waiting in front of my house for me to pay him because Mr. Man had zero funds. How pathetic. Really I shouldn't have paid him. But it's garbage night. Many of my neighbours were taking out their trash. Mr. Man was incredibly drunk & I just wanted to diffuse this embarrassing situation as quick as possible. My plan was to pay the cab, then immediately drive Mr Man to his apartment. Away from me. Except he refused to get in the car. He came inside. We argued. We wrestled. He wept. Then he left. Then he text me asking to borrow money so he can get to work tomorrow! Wow.

If it Wasn't for Luck...

2010-12-29T05:32:00.000-08:00

I had hoped that my break up with Mr. Man would be one those non messy kinds like you see in sunday afternoon tv movies. You know where mom & dad are split but are close enough and adult enough to get along. Despite the circumstances of our split I still wanted to be able to be civil with him & not feel like throwing up whenever he's in the room.
I should have known better because things rarely turn out the way I wish. If it weren't for luck, I'd have none @ all. (cliche, I know).

A little about my luck:

Two weekends ago Mr Man stayed mostly away. Well completely away which I was fine with except he failed to call his son & say hi how are you or anything. But I didn't allow that annoyance to control my emotions. Just Mr. Man being Mr. Man.
Sunday night he shows up walks through the living room. No swayed through the living room. Went to my bedroom & passed out. Later on when I went to bed. I couldn't help but notice he forgot to engage the passcode lock on his cell. More accurately I checked to see if it was locked. Immediately I was aware of my quickened heart rate. My throat went dry & I literally started to tremble. I told myself "no bad girl. Do not look!" How could I not. I really didn't want to snoop. Didn't want to deal with the emotions that would attack me should I find anything. But I snooped anyways. Checked his recent texts. Nothing of interest there. Can't check his email, it requires a password. So I thought let me see if he's stupid enough to have any stupid pics. And what do ya know I found pics on Mr. Man's cell of him & that tramp Christine. The same Christine that I had discovered was corresponding with him on Facebook. The same little tramp he first denied even existed, then told me I took the "wanna hang out tonight, I can bring you a bottle of wine" messages out of context. Now this bitch's pic is on his cell phone & it looks like she's sitting on his lap. Oh wait that's not it there's a shit load of pics of her kid on his cell as well. Seems like he's got himself a ready made 2nd family. Now I am fully aware that I should let this go. What's done is done. And we are already done. But my emotions took over my brain 100%. At that point I wasn't trembling, I was violently shaking. I gave Mr. Man a few really hard shoves to wake him up. I was like "What...the..fuck is this shit? You swore to me that nothing ever happened with you guys, you swore that you never even saw her in person.
Pause: A little background on Christine. Mr. Man grew up with her older brother Chris. Long story short he was diagnosed with schizophrenia in his late teens. Mr. Man treated him like shit & used him for his money. The whole family hates Mr. Man except the sweet little sister Christine. Mr. Man said he got in contact with her because he's hoping to get a hold of her brother. Funny thing is none of the messages between the two of them ever mention Chris. Another funny thing is he didn't tell me of their contact until I found out myself.
Mr Man has in the past made contact to another friend's sister whom had passed away & the sister is now caring for his young son. But on that occasion he told me he was looking for her & when he did find her, He asked me go with him to meet her.

But he has kept Christine secret from me. He secretly meets with her. The only thing that makes sense to me is that something has or is still happening between them or he kept her hidden from me because he was hoping something would happen. So I'm pissed. I'm just sick of him treating me like a fool. So I told Mr. Man that he was a lying piece of shit. That I pity Christine because she has no idea what she's getting into. I told him that he's very fortunate that I've been as nice as I was to him for so long. Because given how he has treated me like shit for the last 16 years. He deserved to be sitting in a one room shack with a cold, dirty concrete floor to sleep on with a hole in the middle to shit & piss in. I told him to get the F outta my house before I give into the temptation to smash his stupid face in. I'm so mad right now just recalling this. My heart keeps clenching up.

I gotta stop.
I'm done.

It's all we ever talk about

2010-12-16T06:13:00.000-08:00

Ya, ya, ya. Yet another post about the weather. But I'm Canadian & that's what we do. We talk about our crazy unpredictable, moody weather. So it's Thursday morning & the temp outside is a balmy -11 degrees, feels like -30. Leaving work today I was delayed in the parking lot for a few minutes because a delivery truck got stuck half in & out of the entrance. Why anybody thought it'd be a good idea to locate the loading dock beside the main parking area & sharing an entrance/exit is beyond me. The street leading off the said entrance/exit is a teeny tiny one lane...lane to boot. It's not even big enough to deserve the name road. So when this enormous semi was trying to back into the loading dock from the teeny tiny lane, it got it's ass end in okay but the cab got stuck in the snow bank before it could make it's turn. And I mean really stuck. This is a semi okay? 16 wheels or something lots of power. But as a testament to how treacherous & evil the snow that invaded this city really is, the snow bank was relentlessly refusing let go of the trucks front tires. With a few minutes to kill I put my car in park, lit a smoke & hit play on my 90's cd that I recently found behind my dryer the other day (how it got behind the dryer is a mystery to me) & I told myself that today I am not going to let my emotions control me. I am not going to dwell on the fact that I'm dead tired & need to pee. I was going to enjoy my smoke & sing along to Nas, The Fugees & Salt & Pepper.

According to the Weather Network more snow is coming off of Lake Huron & Georgian Bay. Not sure if it's going to hit London, but I wouldn't doubt it. They said on the radio today that we are about 11 or 12 cm away from setting a snowfall record. Yaa we're setting crappy weather records. And people wonder we are always talking about the weather.
I hate winter.

Canadians who hate winter are not allowed to complain during the summer!

2010-12-15T06:14:00.000-08:00

Yet another poop load of snow dumped on us over night. I was @ work last night & kept looking out the windows hoping that just one of those times I'd look out & it'd stop snowing so the plows could get out & work their magic. But it kept snowing & snowing & snowing. At one point I looked down & saw just the tip of a parking meeting peaking out of the top of the snow. Trying to keep it's head above water so to speak. My main concern was getting out of the parking lot & past the sides streets surrounding my work in the morning. In the end I had to back out of the garage. Due to the fact that snow blew in blocking the exit. Could've tried it but was in
no mood to be stuck @ work @ 7 in the morning. Then as soon as the gate opened I said a prayer that no one was on the road because I couldn't see past or above the snow banks on the curb & gunned it through the mini mountain left behind by the plows.
Got home & gunned it again through my unplowed parking lot. And if I had a nut, I would've busted it shoveling out my parking space!
I really truly hate winter. And I can say that because I never ever complain during the summer.

Sweet Dreams are Made of This...

2010-12-14T05:41:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those dreams that are so realistic that in your sleep state you think it's real? Well I had one last night that was so realistic that when I woke up I wasn't sure if I was actually awake or still sleeping. Problem being the setting for my dream was in my bed.

I dreamt that I was sleeping in my bed, Mr. Man snoring away beside me. Yes he's still here. Moved out December 1st. But because he's broke & yadda yadda yadda, he spends most nights here. So I'm dreaming away & I'm trying to move my left hand only it won't budge. It felt as if it was being held down by some unseen force. Eventually the pressure on my hand lifts & suddenly I felt like I was being watched. Like something was standing over my bed watching me. Then my alarm clock starts playing the radio. I try to turn it off. But in order to do this I have to sit up & lean out of bed because I have it situated on the far corner of my night stand. It's in that location so that when I use the alarm I almost fall out of bed turning it off, thus waking me up. (I've been known to simply reach over & hit snooze repeatedly with no memory of doing so) So I reach over & blindly stab @ the off button in the dark. Failing to hit it I grab my alarm clock & throw it on the ground before I fall out of bed. The crash wakes up Mr Man who says "What the hell are you doing?" I try to explain what's happening but before I finish he nods back into lala land. So I'm laying there wide awake but still sleeping. Confused yet? Eventually I nod off but in my dream I try to wake up but can't. So I try to scream but nothing comes out. So I start to hyperventilate, which again half wakes Mr. Man. He rolls over puts
his arm around me & I fall back asleep but not really because I'm still dreaming & never actually woke up in the 1st place! 5:30 am rolls around my cell vibrates indicating a text message. I wake up for real this time. I want to check my cell, but I'm still frightened from my dream. My heart is racing & I'm a little fuzzy about whether or not the memories still fresh in my head are real or not. You can see this was all quite confusing because like I said, my dream setting took place in the exact same location I woke up in. But my cell demands my attention. Funny how no matter what situation we are in sleeping, driving, talking to someone else, shopping etc, when that cell goes off we feel an urgent need to answer. So I lift my head up check my cell. Not an important message. But what was important is the absence of my alarm clock. Not on the night stand & not on the floor. I remembered that I had lent it to my son a week ago.
That was my clue that what had frightened me so was really truly just a dream. I smile to myself, feeling a little foolish but safer none the less roll over snuggle up & just before I close my eyes I remember a movie I had seen a while back called The Paranormal. The main character was being stalked by a demon that would stand over her while she slept. Immediately I was thrust back into spooked out mode & didn't sleep another wink. Hence the reason I'm up @ 8:00 in the am blogging about my dreams!

Winter Wonderland

2010-12-12T01:10:00.000-08:00

6 days ago my city was ambushed with more snow than we usually get in an entire winter season. 40 something cm in one day another 20 or so the next. In less than 48 hours London was covered with a really thick fluffy blanket. Don't get me wrong, I'm very familiar with the saying "hello, this is Canada!" I'm no stranger to snowstorms. But usually here winter glides in & gracefully sweeps powder on us a little @ a time. You know so we can wean ourselves off of our 2 or 3 month summer respite. Typically real winter doesn't begin until after Christmas. But not this year. This year Mother Nature decided to punish us for complaining about the heat during the summer months. (yet another situation the above mentioned quote applies to. "Hello, this is Canada, enjoy the heat while you can")

Anyways Monday afternoon I woke up, checked Facebook, became a little confused about the barrage of posts about the weather. I know this is Canada, but do we always have to be talking about the weather? Gets a little old ya know? I look out my window & see with my own eyes what the big deal is all about. Well I really couldn't see anything but white. But you get my drift. I go to my kitchen window overlooking the parking lot & of course a shit load of my neighbours were out there fruitlessly shoveling away. Being Canadian I understand the ingrained canuk instinct most of us have. The urge to immediately get out there & throw your back into the shovel. Clearing your walkway & your car to appear productive & perhaps shoveling out your neighbour to appear heroic. But like I said, their efforts were fruitless. Snow wasn't just falling on London it was being dumped on London. You'd pick up snow with your shovel turn & throw it, look down & your hole is filled back up again. No exaggerations here folks.

Even bigger fools were attempting to exit the parking lot in their vehicles. No one even made it a few inches out of their parking space. So of course the scene out my window was quite comical. People shoveling the same spot over & over, People in their cars, spinning the tires, getting out clearing their windshields, jumping back in to spin their tires some more. I had to laugh. The snow was so thick, you couldn't even see across the street!

I figured that if I was going to be trapped in the house with my cranky teenager and according to The Weather Channel for @ least 2 days I needed a bottle of wine. I pictured myself snuggled up on the couch, the tv playing Law & Order a glass of wine @ my side and my crochet projects on my lap. The idea was so appealing that I bundled myself up & went on a winter wonderland walk. The snow was up to my knees. My thighs hurt, walking through it was like strapping 5 lb weights on my thighs. And my ass was numb. (Notebook-need longer jacket) But all in all I truly enjoyed my walk. If you can mentally block the biting wind, wet frozen toes & fingers that feel like icicles, winter can in fact be very beautiful. It's close to Christmas so many people have their holiday lights up,

holiday lights look their best @ night beaming through falling snow. Kinda like postcard beautiful. I fell a few times. And totally felt like a kid again. I laughed @ myself each time I fell. Nobody else was around to witness the crazy nitwit falling in the snow & laughing her ass off. But if anybody had I wouldnt've cared!

When Will it Go Away

2010-11-21T23:35:00.001-08:00

Will it ever stop? Like seriously, when will the pain end? Mr. Man is just the same old drunk he always was. Maybe worse. The 1st of december can't come soon enough. I even purchased new furniture for him to ease his transition to bachelor life.

I found out tuesday that my exboyfriend passed away. He wasn't just any exboyfriend. He was THE ONE. We dated in high school previous to Mr. Man snagging me into his web. Anyways, George my exboyfriend was the best boyfriend I ever had. My home life was shit back then living with my mother. The heat was routinly cut off, fridge always empty, mother always @ bingo. That kind of shit. But then George swooped in with his beautiful smile & embraced me with his love like a warm blanket. Problem was he came from an old school greek family, whom fully expected thier children to marry greek & thier only son, George to sacrifice his youth running the family business during his teen years & he was expected to one day completly take over when his father retired. Long story short. We kept our romance hidden from his parents. After all these years I can honestly say, it was the best time of my life. I held him in my heart the whole time that I've been wrapped up in Mr. Man's nightmare. And if @ any time during the last 16 years, George had asked me to go back to him, I would've run to him in a New York minute. And even though we were teens while we dated, had he asked me to marry him then, I would have done that in a heart beat. I always held the faint hope that one day, he would rescue me from Mr. Man. He got a hold of me last year through Facebook. Told me that he always loved me & that I was his first EVERYTHING. We made open ended plans to go for coffee, which we never got to. Now he's gone & my heart is broke & aching. I never got the chance to tell him that I still loved him too. And that I had been waiting for him to come back to me. I didn't get to tell him that he made me happier than I've ever been. That he was food for my soul. I've cried so much this past week. I'm crying over the loss of the only man that I've ever truly wanted. I'm crying because I've spent the last 16 years with a man who never even tried to provide me with any sort of happiness. It's been a wasted life for me. I just need this pain to go away.

2010-10-15T01:12:00.001-07:00

Isn't it fucked up how we try not to act depressed even though we are because the last thing you want to do is ruin someone elses day because you are depressed. Which is depressing in & of itself!
Mr. Man found a place & he's moving December 1st. I thought that after all the crap we've been through I'd be jumping with joy. But it's bitter sweet. I most definatly have not changed my mind. But in a utopian reality he'd be a sober man that took care of his family. But he's not. And now I'm sort of feeling a little paniky. I've never been alone & admittidly it scares me. The nights that he actualy is here, I feel safe & secure. Usually when he's sleeping he'll roll over & automaticly curl his arm around me, I'm going to miss those kind of comforts. I'm worried about the bills & christmas is coming. I know I've made the right decision. Nobody should have to live the way we have. But none the less I'm scared of what the future holds.

Drunk blog

2010-09-30T23:42:00.001-07:00

Ever hear of a drunk text? Well, this is a drunk blog. So I apoligize for any misspells or improper grammer beyond my usual editorial fuck ups. Today was our final day of cleaning out my dearly departed grandmother's house. Which didn't go so well. Grandma stated in her will that my cousin is her executor & it that it was up to him disperse of her belongings. My father really really wanted her hutch but my cousin refused to give it to him with good reason. In the past my father had not only stolen from my cousin & grandma but appatently he sold off her family rings. For what? A few bucks till paycheck day. Anyways. My dad had a huge blowup outside the apartment today. He was cursing & screaming that he's entitled to the hutch. He made a huge scene in front of a large public audience. I hadn't seen him act in such a way since I was a kid. Mostly because I avoided him for many years in order to avoid this unreasonable behaviour. The whole situation upset me & I balled my eyes out like a 3 year old. But that's the thing with my dad. He's schizophrenic, on & off drugs & on & off meds so quite often his behaviour can be unpredictable. Anyways he stormed off & my cousin, my mother & I were left to deal with the final cleaning ourselves. I was so stressed out that I took a trip to the liquor store & bought myself a bottle of wine. I felt that given the shitty year I've had I deserved a glass or 2 or 3 or 4 of wine with the highest alcohol content I could find! Seeing as Mr. Man is an alcoholic. I generaly avoid drinking. My son deserves to have @ least 1 sober parent. But tonight I made an exception. Got cosy on the couch with my bottle. Fuck a glass! Tried to watch Desperate Housewives, drunk text my cousin, & drowned my sorrows in drunken bliss.

Accepting the Unacceptable

2010-09-25T05:42:00.000-07:00

When I came home from work this morning I knew right away that Mr. Man didn't make it to work because the porch light was still on. Once inside based on clues I knew he had been drinking. Open windows, lamps still on. In his sober state Mr. Man is anal about conserving electricity, security & the fear of fire. So lights in the house are never ever left on over night. And windows are always shut & locked. I found him in bed & I woke him up, told him what time it was & asked if he went out last night. He said just for one beer, & in Mr. Man speak that translates to several beers. He was still slurring his words so my guess is he probably got home a few hours before I did. I turned around & saw that he had pissed on the floor in the corner of my bedroom. He does that here & there. He'll come home really drunk, pass out, then sleepwalk to some corner & pee. Pathetic. So I told him that he may as well stay home from work since he didn't seem completely sober. But he got up & ready if you want to count last nights dirty socks & an inside out backwards shirt ready. Said he was written up yesterday for attendance, he had to go into work. I just pray that he'll be safe. I've a bad feeling. Even if he dosen't fuck up & injure himself, I'm sure that his coworkers & superviser are going to notice that he' a little....off this morning.

It's so disappointing to see this. I'm disapointed in myself for accepting for so long what is clearly unacceptable. I can't believe that I've allowed this sorry sap to be a role model for my son. Thank heavens my boy seems to be absolutly nothing like his father. He sees how his father is and hates it. He totaly resents his dad for being the way he his. He's developed this bitterly cold attitude toward him that goes beyond typical teenage grouchiness. I hope that he does what I did and strive to live his life in a manner completly opposite from his unacceptable parent's behaviour.

2010-09-24T06:13:00.001-07:00

i phones are great but one wrong swipe & whoops you've published the post that your only in the middle of writing. Hence the previous unfinished post!

.....So fuck it if anybody notices the chick in the car checking out the chick in the street. I started this book about women-loving women 2 days ago & I'm just about finished. I can't put it down. I feel somewhat relieved to read about other woman who have or are struggling with the same emotions that I am. I know what my heart wants but I automaticly look to the future & can forsee all the roadblocks I would eventually encounter should I follow it. Then there's agony of having this secret & feeling free to be open about it or even pursue it. I'm stuck really.

2010-09-24T06:03:00.000-07:00

I've been reading this book called INVISIBLE LIVES, The Truth About Millions of Women-Loving Women. Seeing as I'm an avid reader I inherited most of my late grandmother's books. Close to a hundred different books ranging from black history, bibles & devotion journals, various autobiographies, cook books, sewing & craft books, medical, etc. But this one book stood out for me. I'm a lttle confused why she had it. She was very religious. So much so she was in involved in three different churches. Perhaps this book was a study tool to aid in understanding or was it perhaps a clue to a secret sexual preference. Either way GO GRANDMA, you so rock!

Anyways, I've been struggling with overwhelming & increasingly atrractiveness to women. I'll be driving along & see a beautiful woman & force myself to not turn my head to check her out. But every once in a while I say to myself fuck it, She's hot & I want to look dammit. Fuck it if anybody notices the chick in the car checking out the chick on the street.

I'm a Door Mat

2010-09-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

Today Mr. Man's family treated him to dinner for his birthday, which was last week by the way. He told me about it about a week ago & I had planned on not attending but for some reason I don't know why I failed to inform him of my planned absence. So this morning he's telling me what time we'd be going & I said I had plans to help my cousin clean out my grandma's apartment. Which has been a very time consuming task. Which I don't mind because I've been spending time with family whom I hadn't seen often in the past. He was hurt & couldn't believe that I was going to miss his "birthday dinner". I told him that maybe it's time we start getting used to not always being together for these family things. After all these years I've finally grown tired of putting on my happy mask & laughing, joking, smiling, pretending that everything is hunky dory. We used to have this thing where just before we departed the house for a family get together, we'd high five each other & say "HAPPY FAMILY"! Especially on those days when we had been bickering right till the last person is ready. Well I'm through with all this silly play acting for everyone's elses benefit. Trying to avoid the akwardness of revealing that we are in fact a family that has unraveled. Why is it that when someone says "hey, howya doing?" I can't reply "ya know what? I'm miserable". Why can't I say "I'm not going to bog you down with my sad drama, but no I'm not "okay" or "alright".
Anyways I ended up going to my grandma's & after a series of text messages & one akward phone conversation where I'm trying to talk to me Mr. Man without revealing to those in the room with me what we were talking about. (again masquerading the truth) I ended up falling prey to Mr. Man's guilt trip & I left early to pick him for his birthday which I was now an attendee. Funny how Mr. Man has never had a problem hurting my feelings. But I suppose that that's the difference between us. I have a conscience, he dosen't and I'm a door mat, he's not.
So I'm not saying I didn't have a good time. I love his family. But I just feel that the more support I show for Mr. Man the less convinced he becomes that I'm serious about breaking up. He thinks he still a chance. It's like taking giant steps backwards.
The real kicker in this whole story comes when we get back home & he says...."I'm going out for a few beers"! What the faaawk!?!

Things I'm looking forward to when he's gone

2010-09-16T06:07:00.001-07:00

* 1/3 less laundry
* 1/3 less groceries & food to cook
* more space in bed ( I'm claiming the middle)
* more closet room & a 2nd dresser & night stand
* new sheets
* the opportunity to enjoy my own company. self company?
* peace
* quietness
And when he does leave. I'm going to congradulate myself by getting his stink out my bedroom & redecorating it. I can't wait to stretch out. And I mean that in so many different ways!

God wanted his Angel back

2010-09-16T05:57:00.001-07:00

One of my mother's best friend's 17 year old daughter passed away in a car accident 3 days ago. I can only imagine the pain & anguish that woman is going through. My son is only 2 years younger & I'm so very blessed that I have him safe @ home. It feels unjust when a young beautiful life is snuffed out. But I suppose that there's no arguing with God when He wants one of his angels back.

When will I stop caring?

2010-09-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

Wow! I really am slowly going crazy. Not by choice of course. And this is one helluva wild ride!
Tonight as per usual, Mr. Man says he's "going out for a few beers". He must have been sipping real slowly because a few beers took 5 hours to drink. Anyways I believe I may have crossed the line into crazyville. Given my circumstances I should be forgiven for my most recent behaviour.
After discovering several messages on Mr. Man's phone between him other women. I didn't hesitate to confront him. But I struggled to restrain myself from sending one particular dirty, homewrecking tramp a piece of my mind via Facebook.(I counted 16 recent messages between the two of them) I kept telling myself, c'mon girl. Try to handle this "predicament" with class. But then I thought, no fuck it. This bitch is on his Facebook & can clearly see that this man is in a relationship. The fact that his profile says "In a relationship" & the fact that he's posted about a million pics of he & I together, clearly answers the question of whether or not this particular man is taken. Then I thought hell yes this chicky deserves to know how I felt about her participating in the straw that broke the camels back resulting in the complete destruction of any sort of respect I had left for him & any hope that I could ever look @ him again & not want to puke. I said to her that she knows she's been messing around with someone elses man. I said what kinda woman does that? Where is your loyalty to sisterhood? Better yet where is your dignity & self respect? She wrote back that she didn't know who I was. So I replied with who I am & who my husband is & I said don't you dare deny it because I see you on his friends list...stupid bitch. She hasn't written back.
& that is that.
So a few times in the past week, I've sorta parked across the street from Mr. Man's favorite bar waiting to see him come out & who he's with. I sit there for hours, shivering, smoking cigarette after cigarette with shaky hands. And I'm not shivering because I'm cold. I never see him come out & I'm not quite sure what time they close.
This whole....THING is breaking me. I feel as if my heart is glass & it's cracked & everyday the crack gets bigger & bigger. My stomache feels as if it's permanently knotted itself. I sob every single day & every single night. A few people have told me that it gets better. But I want to know when. When will the pain go away? When will I stop being emotionaly shattered everytime I wonder about where he is & who he's with?

Isn't the number one rule when you are serious about a breakup to NOT HAVE SEX?

2010-09-08T05:55:00.001-07:00

I just don't understand why I'm still fucking a man who has caused me pain & misery for literaly half of my life. Sometimes I make myself feel stupid. On the other hand I reminded him last night that although I'm glad we've been getting along fabulously the past week, I still want him out. I said I don't trust you & I know there's more you are not telling me. I wish he'd reveal everything that was going on behind my back. But I know if & when he tells me, I'll wish he hadn't. So I suppose I'm almost greatful he's keeping mum.
He came home drunk a few nights ago. Started blabbering that he wanted another baby. I almost shit myself laughing. Seriously. I said there's no fucking way I will ever have another child with you! Mr. Man was trying to convince me that having another child would make him clean up his act. Right. You couldn't get it straight for your 1st born, for me or yourself & you think having a baby will solve all your problems? Another baby eh? For me it'd be like the movie Groundhog Day. Everyday I'd be like, this all feels so familiar. I swear I've lived this moment before! Perpetual deja vu. Thanks for the offer. But I'll pass on that one.

Oh & One Other Thing

2010-09-04T23:17:00.001-07:00

Sticking to the previous subject. There was a time about 4 or 5 years ago I had taken my car into Mr Lube. There they hand you a newspaper & coffee & encourage you to remain in your vehicle while they go to work. Well this particular visit I had a female technician. Wow. Watching this woman in a snug little work jumper bending over & tinkering under my hood I couldn't help but think how I'd like to see her bend over & tinker with something else! Wow!

Threesome minus One

2010-09-04T22:31:00.001-07:00

Ever have something happen or said to you that makes you think to yourself, good blog subject, file it away only to later completly lose what you filed away or even forget to blog @ all?
But sometimes for whatever reason. Different for everyone I guess. You feel a rush. You feel inspired to spill out your thoughts & daily happenings. I'm sorta riding that high right now. I tend to blog when emotionally speaking I'm in my darkest hours. If anybody ever wanted to track my moods they just need to look @ my blogging dates.

Tonight what I felt tugging @ my blogging strings is my sexuality. Yep, I'm that raw. For some bloggers, speaking of thier sexuality is no big deal. For many it's the daily topic. For me it's rare. Sure I mention @ times when I've made whoopie. But never my SEXUALITY.

For many, many years I've fantasized about being with another woman. When these terribbly delicious thoughts first entered my head. I kind of interpreted them as a phase of sorts. Perhaps just a simple fantasy that would be fun to fulfill. I remember @ the time I had shared this idea with Mr. Man & he got all excited. Said he'd love to do a 3some. Then we started discussing who should be the 3rd. Certainly nobody we knew. But then I didn't want to trust a stranger to be ahem, clean. Then we started discussing rules & such. I asked him if he'd be fucking her & he was like ya! And I was like ya know what? I'm not really so cool with this anymore. I didn't think it through before sharing with Mr. Man. I didn't realize that a)I was not cool w/Mr. Man fucking her. Yes I know this makes me a hipocrate. But that dosen't change how I feel.
And b)I didn't want this to be a homemade porn show put on for Mr. Man's entertainment. I wanted this experience to be sensual and all about me & her exploring new territory. Uninhibited from the pressure of an audience.

I'm really ashamed to admit this next one but if I'm to share it anywhere I guess here is as good as any. Besides I did say before that I would continue to put it all out there unsoftened.
Sometimes, okay most of the time. While having sex with Mr. Man I fantisze about fucking a woman. Sometimes I picture in my head my favorite lesbian porn. Especially while he's pleasing me. Which he's surprisingly very good @. He's not good for much else but he definatly knows how to use his tongue & fingers to the best of thier abilities. Anyways I often lay back, close my eyes & imagine that it's not sweaty fat ass Mr. Man with his tongue in my pussy but a beautiful, fat ass woman with a long tongue & huge breasts. I get really arroused & Mr. Man is a watcher. He gets turned on watching me cum. So really my fucked up method of sexual satisfaction benefits us both.
Sometimes I freak myself out about it tho. It's gotta be abnormal that I can't have an orgasm unless my brain flashes lesbian images.
Now a days I sometimes ache with the longing. It almost kills me that all these years I've been bicurious & have yet to act upon it. I won't tell Mr. Man tho. I'm hoping that with the recent events that once again tore us apart. He'll actually leave. So it's none of his business. Besides if he knew about my bicuriousity he'd try to throw it in my face & blame our breakup on that.

A grain in the Sand

2010-09-04T21:13:00.001-07:00

I made an awesome discovery last night! I blog infrequently & usually through my iphone email. So I don't usually notice when comments appear. When I entered the blogging world back in 2005 I think. I did it with the understanding that being amoungst a bizzilian other bloggers I was nothing but a grain in the sand. I knew that most browsing people would shuffle past me like a deck of cards.
What I discovered last night is that every once in a while the shuffle stops on my card & someone out there finds my pitiful bland life intresting. So much so that once in a blue moon. Someone decides to leave thier mark. Sometimes going so far as to say that they enjoy my writing. I admit in comparism to most other blogs my number of comments is insignificant.In fact, most are years old. But in in comparison to my expectations it's fabulous! Amazing & flatering.

Crumby Year

2010-09-03T22:41:00.001-07:00

In January - mid april. My mom & my sister moved into my house because once again mom was evicted. The whole situation was disastrous & awkward to say the least.

My precious, precious kitty died on mothers day. Of all days!

My grandma may she rest in peace, passed away 2 weeks ago. Seeing as that side of my family (my dad's) consists of only 3 people. My cousin & I bore the burden of planning the funereal for which she had no prearrangements & the financial responsility for which she had no life insurance.

Things between Mr. Man & I are as usual unsteady like an earthquake. He still hasn't moved out. When my grandma died I was unable to deal with my Mr. Man issues & sort of let things slide. Except recently he came home drunk & passed out with his cell on. Opened to Facebook. Not hard to guess what happened next eh? Of course I snooped. To my dismay I discovered that Mr. Man was frequently sending msgs to other women on his facebook. In some he's saying that he's out & about & if she wasn't busy, mayb they could hook up. In some msgs he's offering to bring them a bottle of wine. In others he's revealing sensitive info about our relationship. When I confronted him with what I read. He denied the msgs existed & refused to open up Facebook to prove me wrong. Later he tells me that I took them out of context. I'm not sure how one can take "how bout we hook up" & "I'll bring over a bottle wine" out of context. Later still he tells me that them bitches mean nothing to him. It's me he comes home to. I'm guessing he expected me to be greatful about that last comment. Right now I'm so very hungry, my heart hurts & I'm humiliated & ashamed that I've tolerated him for so long. He makes my skin crawl & some days I just want to smash him in the face. He comes home drunk & says that he'll never let me go & that if he ever sees me with another man. Murdering is what will happen.
I need out so bad. I need to be alone & enjoy my own company. Get to know me. Restore my sanity. But he just won't let go.#6

2010-08-03T00:59:00.001-07:00

I told Mr. Man weeks ago that he must move out. So far he's made no attempt to go anywhere. I think he hopes that I'll change my mind. But I'm set, I cannot live with him anymore.
I guess in a way I'm a little angry with his family for ignoring what they've surely known for years & leaving me to deal with Mr. Man's alcoholism by myself. Mr. Man changed his relationship status on Facebook to "it's complicated" & his brother's wife sent me an email saying her husband noticed the change, mentioned it to her & she's concerned & wondering what's going on. I don't mind her asking. We get along great, I love her & all but I'm wondering why Mr. Man's brother hasn't taken it upon himself to approach either of us I don't buy his head in the sand routine. He must know. I mean come on. He has called me several times over the years looking for Mr. Man & I've said I don't know where he is. He went out last night & didn't come home! The day Mr. Man was supposed to help him paint his new house, I had to pick him up early because he was too hung over to handle the paint fumes. He can't say he didn't smell the alcohol fumes wafting off of him. Cus I sure did! Then there was the time Mr. Man & his bros' groomsmen went out after the engagement party & once again Mr. Man got horribly trashed. Even the night of his wedding. Mr. Man got trashed, went back to the wedding party hotel afterwards with the only 2 groomsmen that were single & got trashed even more. He dosen't know? Naw I'm not buying it. I just think that he's choosing to ignore it. Because dealing with his alcoholic brother would inconvience his picture perfect pretty little lifestyle. Nice fucking brother. As for his mother. She goes tback & forth between telling me to have patience & to pray for him. And being angry @ him and telling me that whatever I do. She's okay with it because she knows my son & I shouldn't have to live like this. Regardless nobody can really understand what this is like. This hell. Everyday he lets us down. We could have done so much as a family by now. But all these years have slipped by & it feels like we are in a time warp. Nothing ever changes.

2010-06-20T15:10:00.000-07:00

I work nights & when I woke up yesterday afternoon. Mr. Man was making bacon & eggs. As he finished he told me that he was going to a friends house to "watch the game". I wasn't awake 10 minutes before he was flying out the door. Didn't see him again until this morning when I came back from work. Yesterday I plunged into a depression like I've never seen. Right now I can hardly eat. I'm forcing myself to. I just feel low. I feel like one of those cartoons where someone who's feeling blue has a little storm cloud above thier head following them everywhere they go.

2010-06-19T05:07:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I spent 20 minutes typing my blog & in matter of miliseconds my finger slipped on my iphone & in the process of correcting my finger formation, it twitched & did some crazy tap tapping managing to involuntarely erase every single character I had previously tap tapped. Lets try this again.

I was thinking that perhaps in order to move forward in life I need to start taking responsibility of my own happiness. And quit trying to change what I can not control. I should quit dragging my heels waiting for it to happen & make it happen.

Mr. Man's mom gave me her bible & a copy of What Does The Bible Really Teach? Actually this is the 2nd copy she gave me. The 1st one given to me years ago simply got lost, disapeared like odd socks. I'll be honest, @ the time I had absolutley zero interest in reading it. But recently it seemed to kind of call out to me. So I picked it up a few times & found it quite interesting. It's kind of a study book. You can look up topics such as Living in a way that pleases God & How to make your family life happy. It basically summarises what the bible says providing qoutes & verses to look up. At the bottom of each page are study questions that allow you to recap what you just learned.

I know that if you want help you need to ask. Which is something I am not accustomed to. But little by little I am slowly reaching my arms out above the water.

2010-06-18T15:58:00.000-07:00

I have noticed a pattern. I've been in a total of 3 serious relationships. My 1st love was my 1st & vice versa for him. But alas, I believe that I most def had stronger feelings for him than he did for me. I remember people telling me that he was involving himself with other girls. But @ the time I was nieve & refused to believe it. I remember calling & calling him on the phone but for months he avoided me until I finally opened my eyes & saw what was going on. My 2nd was really, really great. He loved me like noone ever has. The problem with that relationship tho was that his parents were very old school. Actually prejudiced is a better word. He's greek & I'm black. We kept our entire relationship hidden from his family. One day he told me he couldn't do this anymore & that he was going to follow his parents wishes & date a greek girl whom they had chosen for him. My heart broke in two. I was devastated & actually got down on my hands & knees and pleaded with him not to let me go.
This current relationship is a joke too. He's an alcoholic who laughs @ me when I beg him to spend time with me. I'm sure he still cheats & overall I feel that I am not a priority to him. I'm the mother of his child I cook for him, clean up after him, manage the household & smile & act the part of his pretty little wife @ family gatherings. But that's about the extent of our relationship.
I don't know why I hadn't seen it before but my I seem to attract men who in the end humiliate me.

2010-06-15T00:00:00.001-07:00

Mr. Man's mom suggested Al anon to me. @ first I was skeptical. I have
never been comfortable sharing the details of my life. Let alone w/
strangers But then I thought why not. I feel really isolated &
powerless to cope. Perhaps I need to share & hear other people's
stories. So looked up Al anon & called the #. The criteria on the web
page to become a member is clear. But what's not clear is whether you
need to register or if you can just show up @ the meetings. I tried
calling but only got an automated msg listing meetings for the week.
So was browsing the site again & noticed that there are a few online
groups. Maybe I can start with that get used to the idea of divulging
my personal info. It suggested using an email that dosen't reveal
prsonal info, like your last name. So I went thru the trouble of
opening a Gmail acct, only to find out afterwards that all these
groups are yahoo based & you need a yahoo acct. So I searched on
Google found an Al anon discussion group. Joined it. Then realized
that it dosen't have many recent posts. Now I'm feeling a little
discouraged. For me everything has been a challenge and I wasn't
prepared for it to be so difficult to get help.

Adventures in a government office

2010-06-14T17:42:00.001-07:00

It's been a long time since I had to take a number & sit around in a
government office. I got ticket # A79 & when I arrived they were
serving A33. Only 46 people ahead of me, I figured this wouldn't take
long. The chicky sitting on my right kept coughing, without covering
her mouth. So I was trying to lean to the left & coordinate my
exhalations with her coughing hoping not to breath in any nasty germs.
To quench my boredom I alternated between people watching & playing
with my iphone. Only the lady on my left kept sneaking peaks @ my
screen so I was mostly resigned to people watching. A lot of
interesting people in government offices. A women whom apparently time
traveled from the 80's, tight acid wash jeans fully equipped w/ rips
down the front, teased dried out peroxide hair. Pink lipstick, blue
eyeshadow. Anyways her eyes were bugged out & she was talking loudly
saying that she'd wait her turn across the street @ the bar. (this was
10 in da am btw) Another guy came in acting real important expecting
special service ahead of everyone else because after all, he works for
Coca Cola & he's a very busy man. Kudos to the mild mannered seen-it-
all-before receptionist who handled him with kid gloves & told him &
he aint nothing special in the nicest possible way. Then there were
the handful of people that show up to apply for government issued
health cards yet failed to bring with them identification. Ya that's
right folks come on down they are handing out free health care cards
no proof of identity needed!

2010-06-14T01:30:00.001-07:00

8 days ago I woke up with a cluster of nasty cold sores on my upper
lip. Went to the walk in clinic where they told me that my health card
is expired. I already knew this as I had recieved notices in the mail
to renew it. But I had been procrastinating. I guess because I felt a
little pride in being one of the few people still in the possesion of
an old school red & white card. Makes feel special I guess. But now
because I have a suspected vag infection, I absolutely need to see a
doc. Which means I'm forced to go down town to renew my health card.
Problem is the new cards are photo IDs. So I get to have my pic taken
& put onto a permenant ID with these damn blisters on my lip! Life is
so mean to me.

2010-06-13T22:27:00.001-07:00

So know he's snoring beside me, unaware that I'm leering @ him, hating
more & more. Ignorance is bliss. He hardly said 2 words to me all day.
I'm not sure if he's avoiding the elephant in the room or if he simply
believes that this is all a non issue. I asked him if he still
believes that he dosen't have a problem & without a word he walked out
of the room. I'm just flabbergasted that this is my life. This hell
just gets worse & worse. I honestly wish that he would just go. Move
out, meet someone else & leave me alone. I've tried to kick him out so
many times, but he just won't leave. It's like he's saying, this is my
bullshit like it or not you have to deal with it. Some women would say
this is my husband, he has a disease (alcoholism) & I'm going to stand
by his side & help him through this. Not I. Our relationship was
doomed from the start when he gave me an std while I was pregnant &
when he missed the birth & 1st few days of life of our child because
he was too busy partying.
Know what he tells me when he's drunk? That he made me. And that no
other man would ever want me because I have scars on my breasts. Maybe
so, but I just want to be left alone. I know that it's drunk talk but
sometimes drunk talk turns out to be what you really feel but are to
chicken shit to say in a sober state.

2010-06-13T17:42:00.001-07:00

So he's home today. Been laid out on the couch most of the day. I
suspect that his current idleness is due to his state of hangover.
Yesterday my son says "you know what I don't understand? Is how you &
dad were arguing about him going out, then he still goes out!". I
don't understand it either. I'm such a fool for tolerating him all
these years. His mom says that I should pray for him. First of all I
never pray. When & if I do start I'm not going to waste my prayers on
the person that makes me most miserable.

2010-06-13T00:29:00.001-07:00

First thing monday I must go to a womens health clinic. Pretty sure
that I have a vaginal infection. Actually before that I have to renew
my healthcard then go to the clinic. Maybe it's not an infection.
Could be a virus. Perhaps Mr. Man is stepping out on me. I'll find out
soon enough. He was home from work today for less than 5 min. Before
he says "I'm going to watch the game @ a friends house". What else is
new?

P

2010-06-12T04:23:00.001-07:00

He's such a jerk. Comes home @ 3 am. All bug eyed & drunk. We had a
nice little argument. I told him straight up that I can't f***ing
stand him. He's an alcoholic & he's made the past 15 years of my life
into wasted time. Not much of what he said made any sense @ all. I
tried to record him w/ my iphone, hoping to play it back to him @ a
later time when his brain isn't submerged in booze. But I couldn't
figure out how to work the damn thing. We tousled a little bit. He
went on tell me that if I have another man on the side, "some
murdering would be happening". And I believe him. I do believe that
he is the type of crazy mofo that if I were to cheat, he'd cut me up.
Alas I can't cheat, even if I wanted to. He knows where I am most
hours of the day. The rest are spent on endless errands & household
tasks. If I were to have an affair it'd be the kind where I'd meet
said co-cheater @ a really nice hotel & he rubs my feet until I fall
asleep & when I wake up he holds me in his arms while I cry away my
many sorrows. I suppose if there's a man out there willing to do
that...than I'm open to the possiblities of having an affair.

2010-06-11T15:53:00.001-07:00

Didn't have to pull his leg. I drove our son to the rec centre & when
I got back Mr. Man was gone.

2010-06-11T13:54:00.001-07:00

Mr. Man is pissy w/ me today. He seems to think that since he decided
to be home today, I'll should be greatful to have the pleasure of his
company. Never mind that he walks out on me when I've begged him to
stay. Told him that he may as well do what he usually does cause I'm
not interested.

2010-06-10T05:02:00.001-07:00

Mr Man's brother got married last week. I was sitting there watching
them saying thier vows, looking like fools in love. I was thinking to
myself how much I wished Mr. Man & I were @ that stage. Then I look
over @ him standing there chomping on gum looking dumb & that thought
fizzled real quick. After the reception when all the married &
commited men went home with thier wives Mr. Man decided that he needed
to party more & went to the bars with the only 2 guys in the wedding
party that happened to be single. In fact he didn't come home @ all
that night. The next day his mom bitches him out cause she knows what
he's about. She was after all once married to his father. So how does
Mr. Man react? He goes out drinking. Day after that he goes to his
friends house to "watch the game". Surprise, surprise he drinks there
too. Yesterday he went to the bar up the street to participate in a
pool tournament. See a pattern here? Just a bunch of excuses to drink.
For 15 years I've been sitting right here waiting for him to show me
he loves me. But the booze is his real love. I feel hurt & abandoned
that he always, always chooses to be anywhere but here with me. The
rare times that he does stay home, I resent him so much that it's time
wasted because I'm angry & my mood is sour.

2009-07-25T22:31:00.000-07:00

He dosen't understand that it's not okay to leave your family @ home and stay out all hours of the night. He dosen't understand that it hurts me.

2009-06-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

Quite frankly I feel as if I am in a perpetual state of depression. It cycles up & down but mainly I'm depressed. It sucks to always be that one person in every crowd that never let's loose to have fun. That one person who always seems to be holding back. Never completly comfortable or relaxed. I'm sick & tired of that person being me. I hate a lot of people. I don't hate in the sense that I dislike anyone. It's just most people make me sick. It makes me nauseous to be around folks that are pretty much happy. Because I'm jealous. Some people are really happy & others are sort of or somewhat happy with thier lives. So they get to benefit from the perks of being normal & can therfore smile a little, let loose a little & generally feel ok. It is so difficult to be happy for happy people when my life so not happy.

2008-11-21T06:17:00.000-08:00

I'm reading this book called I Know This Much Is True. About 2 identical twins, one has schizophrenia. It takes you through their lives past & present. Shows the struggle one brother has between his ingrained obligation to constantly be his brothers protector & the resentment he feels towards his brother for consuming his life. Anyways I was reading it today & thought oh yeah. My father has schizophrenia. (Flashing light bulb in head.) A family history of diagnosed mental illness. Mom isn't always too bright either. Not trying to be flippant about it though, she just at times (often actually) doesn't always make the most logical decisions. What about me? I had never considered that perhaps I am susceptible to neurological disabilities. What if all this time I've been whining & bitching about my life & the people in it, I was actually the problem? Whoa that's a fat ass pill to swallow.

Been busy & stressed lately. Mr man's best friend past away, my best friend is moving to Australia, another friend is going through a painful breakup, my car broke down 2 days ago..@ work..7 in the morning..1st cold ass big snow fall day of the year...paid up the ass for new battery...fighting with mr man over stupid shit...the list is endless.

2008-01-05T17:00:00.000-08:00

Tommorow my best friend and I are going to get together & do some paint-by-numbers. One of the things I really love about our friendship is the fact that we can comfortably do nerdy things together without feeling nerdy.

2008-01-04T21:53:00.000-08:00

Hello dear ol' friend,
It's been quite some time since I moaned of my secret struggles into your ever attentive ear. Next to my human best friend you're the best. You listen so patiently while I unload unto you the heavy baggage I carry upon my shoulders.

Since our last interaction a lot has changed & a lot hasn't.
Biggest change: Mr Man was permanently laid off a few days before Christmas. My 1st reaction was: "Those Fuckers!" My 2nd: We'll survive, we've been in similar situations before. My 3rd: Fuck when does it ever end?

My son is currently in the wonderful (& when I say wonderful, I say it with slight sarcasm) stages of adolescence. Adolescence, you say, what's that? Well lets just say that you never really understand this particular stage in life until your own child goes through it. Then you say to yourself, "Ohh now I understand exactly how I made my parents feel when I was this age.

Truly though, I see how some other kids my son's age behave & I thank the lord that I've been blessed with a fairly good kid.

In my son's case adolescence also involves the ever dreaded braces. He dreads the change in physical image, I dread the cost. Thank heaven for payment plans.

I've been working my ass off lately. Which I always do. But the added pressure of being the sole money maker right now is wearing me thin. I'm so happy that I have this weekend off because lately I've felt as if my 3rd eye has been detecting this little flashing light in the back of my brain like an emergency beacon. And the thinner I spread myself the closer the light comes to the forefront. In short I have been feeling closer & closer to crashing into a mental meltdown.

On the flip side. A few days ago a dear friend & I relaxed with wine & crackers w/cheese while watching The Planet Earth DVDs. Muchly needed divine time.

The other day after my night shift, in the elevator on my way to the parking garage I realized that I had misplaced my change purse which contained my car keys. I searched my bag & it clearly wasn't there, but I searched it a minimum of a dozen times possibly hoping that maybe the purse was hiding behind some wrinkle in the fabric that I didn't notice before. Thinking, please, please be there. Then I thought oh shit what if it fell out as I was getting out of the car & it's laying there on the seat. Locked up, inaccessible. Then like anyone else, because I'm human, I got a feeling of faint hope that maybe it fell out as I was getting out of the car but it fell on the ground.
So I'm walking to my car, & I'm silently praying that a) my change purse is in fact laying innocently beside my car on the ground patiently waiting for me to rescue it. and b) That if it's not on the ground, nobody is around to watch me peer through the windows of my car somehow feeling like a car thief while, trying to appear casual like it's normal for me to peer through my windows & get down on all fours to look under on my car before I get in. While actually looking like a person who has obviously locked their keys in their car & is foolishly trying act as if they haven't.

Unfortunately for me, that morning I was that person. My change purse was not on the ground . And it seemed as if everyone was in the parking garage @ that exact moment. I'd "casually" look in the windows & look up as my friends were driving by, & actually smile & wave as if there's no trouble @ all over here! And as soon as they passed by I'd give the door handle a quick discreet yank. Unrealistically hoping that's it's unlocked even though I can clearly see through the glass that the door is in fact locked. Shit I'm human. Besides you never know perhaps when I was exiting my car the door didn't completely close & therefore is still open. No such luck.

So I'm forced to accept the fact that I'll have to suck it up & retrace my steps & call around to various offices to see if my purse was miraculously found & turned in. Damn I had to face the humiliation reserved for the population of people that have become victims of their own stupidity.

In the end I spent $25 on a cab to home & back to work to retrieve my spare key. Only thing is when I got back to work with my spare, @ this point the cloud of shame was beginning to lift, I decided to retrace my steps a second time. And lo & behold there it was sitting innocently on the bottom of the coat closet. How did I miss it? Shit I could have saved $25 if only I had noticed it the first time! Hereon begins the fantasy stage called if only I could turn back time. Is that what Cher was really singing about?

Dear friend our visit has been delightful. Once again you have allowed me to transfer a little bit of the weight of my many burdens onto your shoulders. And I thank you because I now feel lighter and that little emergency beacon has begun to retreat a little further back in my mind.
Till next time...

2007-09-02T04:40:00.000-07:00

Today I had a patient literally die while I was standing @ her bed side holding her hand. This being the first time anyone has actually died while in my presence, this person left a profound impression on me.

I realized today just how important my job really is. Working in long term care, the most significant part of our nursing care is to hold the hands of these people as they walk through the end stages of life.

I LOVE YOU GRANDPA

2007-07-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

This week I said goodbye to the only man that I have always been able to count on. The only man that has always supported me 100% & never let me down.
This world has lost a truly great & respected man.

To me grandpa was always "the man". I remember when mom attempted suicide & she was in the hospital, grandpa took me in to his home and took care of me. He'd buy me boxes of wagon wheels & sugary cereal and grandma would yell at him saying "YOUR ONLY BUYING THAT JUNK SO THAT YOU CAN EAT IT!"

He taught me how to play chess.

Man the pool parties! He had a large backyard with an above ground pool and wrap around deck which he built. They'd invite family & neighbours over and while the adults sat on the porch drinking & talking, my cousins & I would play in the pool.
Patio Lanterns by Kim Mitchell reminds me of these events. Grandpa had multicolored patio lanterns like in the video.

My son is grandpa's first of 2 great-grandchildren. When my son was born prematurly 2.5 lbs Grandpa tried to hold him but my baby son literally was swallowed up in grandpas huge bear paw hands.

Grandpa taught me how to drive. My aunt says I must have been something special to him because he refused to teach any of his kids how to drive due to an incident where he was driving and my grandma jumped out while the car was moving. (crazy argument I suppose)

The end was painful for him and it hurt my heart to see such a formaly formidable man experience such agonizing pain.

I stayed over night in his hospital room a couple of times. And I was grateful for the opportunity to privatly grieve without other people around. I was able to care for him. When he woke up in pain, I was there to hold his hand, rub his back and just give him love.

I know that when grandpa left this world he felt loved.
I know that now his pain is over.
I know that now he is in a peaceful place.
I know that now he will be watching over me.

I love you grandpa.

Excerpts from old diary

2007-03-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

Life's Like that

It's like living in a bubble
It's like walking in slow motion
as the world speeds on by
It's like not crazy
because crazy is the norm
It's like speaking with no voice
it's like drowning,
suffocating
It's cruel
It's chaotic
it's like being on the bottom
wondering what's on top
Life's like that

Excerpts from old diary

2007-03-22T17:56:00.000-07:00

If I don't say I love you
it doesn't mean I don't.
If I haven't said I love you
it doesn't mean I won't.
Just give me a little time and lots of care.
and soon the love in my heart
with you I will share.
Just to say I love you
is too easy to say.
Yet I want to say I love you
in a very different way.

Excerpts from old diary

2007-03-22T17:52:00.000-07:00

TOUGH
Lost in a world no mercy no pain
Trapped between four walls
no windows no doors
to drive you insane
Trained as children to sit stand, roll over & beg
Follow the leader is not just a game
a lesson in life
obey the rules for big fortune and fame
rules are made to be broken
speak only only after spoken too
give this day our daily bread
only regret once blood is shed
respect your elders, they say
cause like them we will grow old
and depend on our children one day
if you don't have sunshine on a cloudy day
let the rain wash your tears away
guided down the yellow brick road
in the end your on your own we are told
let the rocks of life
smooth your pain
hold on tight to your heart
and make an entrance
no one can gain

Excerpts from old diary

2007-03-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

We fear what is different.
Different causes change.
Those who fear change,
fear those who are different.

Excerpts from old diary

2007-03-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

Your smile shines and I know I'm in love
and in your eyes I can see you love me too.
The desperation in my heart draws me to you
and when we touch
I know you feel the same attraction too.
They say beauty is only skin deep.
But between us is an invisible wall
because of our skin.
I wonder if we were together
would we last forever?
If that's what you want I haven't got a clue.
But in my dreams and every fantasy
I climb this wall that separates
me from you.

Excerpts from old diary

2007-03-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

RESPECT
Sometimes it's hardest to get respect from the people who owe it the most.
Sometimes respect is earned
and sometimes it due.
Sometimes respect is needed.
Sometimes it's lacking.
Sometimes it's demanded.
But most importantly
If you've earned it
and it's due
and you ain't getting it
just remember
the best respect
is SELF RESPECT

2007-03-05T10:54:00.000-08:00

FORE PLAY: how nice he acts before sex

POST PLAY: how nice he dosen't act after sex

2007-03-02T17:48:00.000-08:00

feeling pathetic today....

2007-02-25T21:43:00.000-08:00

I feel old. Perhaps that's because I never really felt young. I lack energy now-a-days. I cry in the shower and all I can think about is what the hell does my future hold? Are we actually going to reach our life goals? Are we ever going to buy a house? Will I afford my son's education without sacrificing my retirement?

Mr Man's goals aren't always parallel with mine. Well they are in words, but the story changes when he's getting new gold, clothes & tattoos.

It really sucks that everytime I turn around my friends are traveling around the world. And here I am having never ever been on vacation. People are constantly saying "you ought to go here or you should go there" and I say yeah, yeah. But the reality is if we go anywhere and spend any money that sets us back in our quest for a house.

Just...can't...win.

2007-02-14T07:44:00.000-08:00

I was talking to my sister yesterday about how nice it is that mom is now directing her energy towards the home & school association instead of the union. She's delighted that every once in a while she'll be walking down the hall at school and see mom's head bobbing in & out of the office.

My dad called me last night. We talked for a bit. He told me that he just finished living in shelters for the past 3 months. Prior to that he was living with his brother who has his own emotional problems & eventually ended up throwing dad around, so on his mother's advice dad moved on. I told him that his mom had given my son a electric guitar for Xmas & that sometime he could give him a few pointers. An open invitation I guess. We decided that the 26th would be the best time for him to come over. Whether or not he'll show is debatable.

I was talking to a good friend a few weeks ago who's father had similar problems as mine. Her father passed away several years ago. We were discussing how we go through life hoping and waiting for the people we love to change & morph into the people we need them to be. At sometime we have to accept that only in a Utopian world, people would love & nurture us only the way we want them to. We don't get to pick & choose our parents, they are who they are.

Like everyone else someday my dad will die. And I don't want him to die without me knowing him and vice versa.

I'm grown now and no longer yearn for his love and attention. I just want to know him. I suppose it's easier now to accept him for who he is. I have no expectations. Either he comes around or he doesn't. I accept that now. I have officially cleared my heart of resentment. I think.

2006-12-20T07:29:00.000-08:00

Looking back on the summers I spent in Toronto with my aunt, a ray of understanding dawns on me. I used to feel like she was constantly nagging me about my appearance & hygiene. Frankly I was down right offended. Just who did she think she was trying to tell me to bathe more often, do my hair, wear clean clothes? Well she was my aunt and she cared very deeply for me and I am grateful to have had her influence in my younger teen years.

I see my aunt in myself presently when I find myself trying to encourage my sister to develop good personal hygiene habits. I know that in my little sis's mind I probably sound like a never ending nag. But given my experiences with mom's neglectful attitude towards these things, chances are my sister will eventually put 2 &2 together and see the message I am trying to convey to her.

The last thing I want is for her feel the same resentment that I feel towards mom, after all she is our mother. But I desperately want to guide her away from the lifestyle that is presented to her.

Did I mention that mom finally got her own apartment? First floor 1 bedroom apartment in a crappy 3 story walk up. I won't even get into how much I hate this place, it brings back memories of long ago.

I was talking to mom the other day and she casually mentioned that she has ants in her new apartment. Little ants everywhere. I asked her if she told the landlord and she "no. " I asked her when she first noticed the ants she said "a few days ago." So I tried very hard to hide my disgust and suggested that perhaps she should tell him, you know so he can treat the problem. So she told him and to her surprise the next day an exterminator was at her door.
What really pissed me off is that I got the impression that mom didn't even think about telling the landlord, I don't think she had any sort of plan of action.

2006-11-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

There is this chick at work whom I really respect. She's actually the mother of a girl I went to high school with. I love working with her, she's been in the business for 10 years, she's compassionate about her work and her work style is resident focused as opposed to task obsessed, she's fun to work with and she understands team work. Except there's one big thing about her that bothers me big time.

Her catch phrase is "they don't have anything that I don't" referring to her lack of glove use. There have been quite a few times that she's declined gloves stating her phrase. The first time I heard her say it, I was shocked. What is she saying? That she is infected with various diseases? Or is she saying that she is unaware of the residents medical conditions and also unaware of the fact that many people have undiagnosed conditions?

Glove use is a proven method of protection from illness and disease in the work place. Not wearing gloves puts other staff members, the residents and the community at risk for outbreaks.

I feel obligated to report her but I've never been in a whistle blower's position before. I'm not positive it can be done in a way that I won't be pin pointed as the tattle tale. I also don't want to ruin her career. Although we are unionized, ignorance of certain policies can be punishable from warning systems or suspension or even termination. Of course I could talk to her and tell her that her lack of glove use concerns me, except I'm chicken shit.

2006-11-20T18:34:00.000-08:00

When you think about parenting, scrubbing puke out of carpets usually isn't fore front of the mind. Everybody knows it's full of challenges and I've dutifully and bravely faced them all. But nothing strains my patience and loving parental abilities like scrubbing nasty, smelly puke out of my newly installed carpets.

My son had what they call "a case of stomache flu" or "24hr flu" yesterday and let me tell ya, it was a long ass 24 hrs.

I took the day off from work. Not that mr man isn't capable of taking care of our son alone when he's sick, but...well... he's a great father but a complete idiot when fever and vomit is involved. He can't even look when my cat throws up hair balls!

So it was a very emotionally and physically exhausting day.

It's kind of funny how when our young'n are sick all sorts of thoughts go through our heads such as, "am I doing everything right?" "what if it's not what I think it is & should we be in emerg?".

Not too mention the well intentioned but useless advice from inlaws. I was sitting there on the phone listening to her tell me that I should give him peppermint tea and thinking yeah right I know my son very well and already knew that there's no way in hell he'd agree to drink it. Which is what happened, he wouldn't even put his lips to the cup.

But alas 24hrs later. 3 loads of soiled sheets and clothes later. Despite the carpet burns on my knuckles everything is now honky dory back to normal.

My boy is once again is healthy ol' self.

2006-11-12T23:28:00.000-08:00

Funny story...to me at least.
The other day in the midst my never ending quest to provide interesting and tasty lunches for the kids I decided to pack them dip and carrots and celery. The kids love that snack I thought. Of course there is the dilemma of keeping the dip cool. But wait a minute, my clever little mind had a 7:00 in the morning brilliant idea! I figured that if I put the dip in the freezer for an hour than place ice packs on top everything would be real cool. (Pun intended)

My master plan turned out to be a real flop. My sis came home from school and informed me that when she saw the carrots and celery she thought "YES!" than she opened the dip. It looked to her like some sort of oily sludge. She put it down on her desk and everyone was saying "ewwww, what the heck is that?" One girl actually said " Look, I can't even start eating my food until you put that away, looking at it makes me want to puke!"

In the end the kids and I made an agreement that for now on I'll stick to my usual bagels, sandwiches, crackers and cheese and sandwiches.

2006-10-29T21:01:00.000-08:00

Mr man let slip an interesting view into his feelings. He was telling me about a tattoo he'd like to add to another tattoo he already has. He said he wanted to add a spider web to it and I mentioned that to me it conveys a message of old and idle, unused. "Naw, he said it portrays a feeling of being trapped. That's me trapped, caught in a web." I looked at him and that's when he realized that he said out loud something he didn't mean to. But too late it's out, can't take that one back.

It's funny how we do that. On occasion, in the middle of an interesting and innocent conversation we let slip our true feelings that we most likely had not planned on sharing. Than we get this real stupid fake innocent look on our face as we try to mumble some sort conciliation.

I'm not mad though. How can I blame him? When we first got together we were just a couple of horny teens. We made decisions that rapidly forever changed our lives. We've never really got along for long periods of time and we've been through a lot of shit together. And although we both have similar dreams of a fairy tale future together as a family. I realize that there is a lot of regret on both our parts. Either one of us could have justifiably bailed on the relationship on may occasions throughout the years. But our lives are so twisted and tangled together that a complete severance seems impossible. The longer we stay together the harder it is to cut the tie that binds.

"Times is Rough & Tough like Leather"

2006-10-23T18:43:00.000-07:00

I doubt that I will be able to make Mr man understand the complexity of my relationship with my mom. Every single day he's on my ass asking why I don't stand up to her, why I put up with her many craps. His point of view is easy based on his back ground. His up bringing while not spoiled and lord knows his family has many closets for their skeletons was much more simpler than mine. He had and still has an attentive, responsible, loving and basically sane mother. I didn't and don't.

What I have with my mom drives a wedge between Mr man and I in many ways. He hates that I'm always there to pick up the pieces for her. Therefore in his mind, why should I ever say no to him when I say "yes" continually to her. I do this and that for her so why shouldn't I do that and this for him.

So now on top of all the troubles I have, I have to walk on egg shells thinking ahead making sure that nothing I do will upset him just to avoid a blast from his big mouth.

I'm trying real fucking hard to keep everyone happy. I accommodate mom because my sister's well being is my priority. If mom is screwed up...So is my sis. I keep Mr man happy so that I can continue to keep mom and sis happy.

I'm working my ass off because Mr man decided after I quit my 2nd job that he doesn't like the idea of me having a smaller pay. Never mind that he's on layoff and presently I make more than him.

We were talking at work about songs that we relate to. And after some thought I have to say my song of comparison has to be Black Girl Lost by Nas Not the whole song but the bit about wanting more from a college degree, a young girl struggling trying to surivive forgetting who she is, not living up to her worth and all, yeah that's me.

2006-09-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

Things have been swell. I've managed to rearrange my working schedule so that I'm mostly working weekends and I have most week days free to tend to my now larger family.

My son who happens to be an athletic superstar, came in 8th place at his last cross country meet! Imangine that. Hundreds of kids and he finishes in the top 10. This Saturday he will be testing for his yellow belt in Tae Kwon do. The test is just a formality. A ceremony that the other graduating trainees participate in. The real test was Wednesday when he had to show his master the stuff he's learned. He passed with flying colours on everything except his Korean. Yeah that's right, my 11 year boy is learning Korean. I can barely handle a few basic French words, bonjour, oui, whatever. My boy is learning french, Korean and Spanish.

My sister is spending the weekend with mom and I miss her enormously. I love her so much and she is growing into such a beautiful young lady. I feel an obligation to always keep her close and watch over her. I hope that I will be able to provide for her the things that I was lacking as a young girl. I want her to feel secure and happy with herself. I want her to know that I'm always going to be by her side supporting and guiding her through whatever challenges she faces.

2006-09-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

Time seems to be stuck in highspeed mode. I really really wish we could somehow add more hours to a day. Just a couple more is all I need. If I was a billionaire I'd totally fund the scientific cause. I'm not half as interested in what may or may not be in outer space as whether or not we can increase day time. Or perhaps the answer lies in space?

I managed to convince mom to let my sis move back in to my house. It turned out to be much easier than I thought. I had prepared myself for resistance and more of her guilt tripping silence games, but she surprised me when I said that it wasn't too late to change her mind cause the offers still open she said she'd take me up on it. Cool beans!

Mr man works afternoons so his exposure to the busy going ons of the kids is minimal. That's a good thing because he's a real cranky guy. Everything pisses him off.

I have been taking advantage of the time my sis is here to sort of try and undo a few of the habits she has that mom sort of overlooks. Like not wearing shirts that have numerous stains on them... Not wiping your hands on your clothes while eating...Double checking after you flush (yuck)...Chewing with your mouth closed... And so on. Petty as I may seem but I can't just stand back and let my sis continue with all these habits that not doubt will affect her socially. I'm all for the fuck what people think way of thinking but c'mon everybody has a certain amount of social and hygienic responsibility.

Right now I'm averaging about 4-5 hours of sleep at night. Nearly every moment of everyday is booked. The kids go to bed bout 9:30pm that leaves me 1.5 hours till mr man comes home. I wisely use this time to do a walk through. Pick up any missed toys, books, towels etc. Make sure the pad is nice and neat. Get mr man's plate ready so I don't have to hear him moan that he's hungry and the microwave just isn't fast enough. Than he comes home and if he decides to go out "me time" begins about 12ish. If he stays in "me time" depends on his mood. My point being that I may stay up till 2 or 3 in the morning but that's the only time I get so I take it.

I was reading a BLOG article about sleep deprivation and the effects of it and was thinking that's me! That's sooo me! I don't think I have a sleep disorder because my sleeping patterns are a result of my schedule. But yeah I'm definitely a member of the night owl club.

I'm not whining though, this is the life I chose. But like I said, I sure hope I win the Super 7 on Friday so I can get the ball rolling on my increase the day time idea.

And the NIGHTMARE continues

2006-09-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

Up until last night, my sis was living with me. Everything was honky dory and no problems. Till mom came to watch the kids because mr man and I both had to work evenings. I get home, and mom had my sis's stuff packed into grocery bags and she announced that she was taking her home with her. "and just where is home?" I ask. Note my patience is at it's end concerning mom and even I could detect boiling anger in my tone. "grandpa's" She says she's taking her to grandpa's messy little one room apt. She figures that since he's in the hospital she'd squat there till she finds a place of her own....yeah not a smart thing to do when you have a kid with ya! And let's not forget the landlord has yet to be informed he has a new tenant. A new tenant that has just been evicted elsewhere.

I tried my best to convince mom that my sis is better off staying here while mom gets her shit together. But she's a stubborn one and I failed to change her mind. She stated that she needs her daughter with her. That's when it dawned on me that I should of anticipated this happening. Mom is being mom. She's fucked up and needs her young, loyal, loving daughter to hold her up emotionally. Be her rock and follow her around to hell and back.

History repeats itself.

I'm trying to get through to her. My sister does not deserve to be sharing a bed with her mom, living out of grocery bags and squatting in her ill grandfather's apartment.

Lord help me.

2006-08-29T19:07:00.000-07:00

I had a real good shower cry today. I got off the phone with my mom and stepped into the shower and let what she said sink in. She's been evicted from her apartment. Apparently she's had an ongoing problem coming up with rent and this is her final notice. She has a sheriff's order to vacate in 48 hours.

So I put the shower head on massage, aimed it at my back and sobbed.

I've always wanted to have my sister come live with me but I wasn't thinking this soon. Obviously she can stay with me as long as it takes for my mom to get on her feet. But I wish that I could speed things up on buying my house so my sister can have more permanent personal space.

I was in the shower worrying about how I was going to approach mr man with the news. If we were a normal couple in a normal relationship I wouldn't have thought twice about telling him. But more often than not his reactions tend to be abrasive. And when it concerns my mom he often becomes angry with me because I didn't say anything to her like "why?" "how could you let this happen?" or "what the heck do you do with your money?" which are valid questions because she has a really good job, no credit cards, no car, no mortgage. Yet she never seems to get it together. Problem with confronting mom especially while she's in such a fragile state right now is she shuts down. Completely. Try talking to her about her problems and she shuts you out and refuses to talk at all. All she really wants is someone to fix her problems not talk about them. Not an easy woman to deal with, but alas she's my mom. I couldn't get through to her as I was growing up and I probably can't now. I figure the best I can do is be there for my little sis as much as I possibly can. I refuse to let her grow up in the same conditions I did. With no one to lean on. Luckily mr man took the news that we have a new addition to our household pretty well. He's pissed that my mom once again screwed up, but he's more than willing to have my sis in our home as long as she needs to.

So here we go again, yet another challenge to tackle.

2006-08-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

Grandpa isn't doing so great. He's moved out of the Critical Cardiac Care unit. Mom's pretty much at the hospital 24/7 and I'm watching my sis at home as long as I can. As much as I'd rather be with grandpa, he's only allowed 2 visitors and seeing my uncle is down from Calgary I figure that they need their time with him right now. He's up most nights trying to pull out his leads and IV. He fights the nurse violently when she tries to give him his meds and mom says he's drifting in and out of confusion. I know that some folks get real bad than bounce back, but some don't and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for that possibility.

2006-08-28T22:12:00.000-07:00

Jake & Amy vs the world!

Jake & Amy vs the world. The writing on the cake, literally. One the best friends I have in this world Began a new chapter in her life on Saturday August 26 . She was standing up there with the lake in the background looking like an angel in the sunlight. No kidding I swear she was absolutely radiant. All brides do because their done up. But I have never seen Amy with such a look of peace and assurance on her face.

CHEERS!

2006-08-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

How do I post pics on my blog?

I try using the add image link, I go through all the steps from "upload" to click "done" and alas my pic never shows up.

2006-08-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

Grandpa is in the hospital again and doesn't look good. He had a rough night last night. He has fluid in his lungs. Some of it blood from his heart. His heart is failing. He has a lot of other health problems such as past strokes, diabetes and gout. But at present the former is at the fore front. He's in the Critical Cardiac Care Unit.

I find it difficult to see him like this. He has always been such a solid big and strong man. And now age has caught up with him and he's physically weak and forced to let go of his independence. Which is not an easy task for a man like grandpa. I suppose not anyone else, but especially grandpa.

I was watching my mom and she's tired and worried sick and frankly overwhelmed. Just like he was for me, grandpa was the only man who's ever loved my mom wonderfully unconditionally.

This reminds me of the current story line on Y&R John's character is a mirror image of my grandpa. Well gramps isn't white and he's by far not a wealthy business owner. But like John grandpa is well known in his community and his reputation is A++. People love him and respect him. I run into people all the time that recognize my last name and tell me what a great guy "Franky" is.

ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND

2006-08-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

Somehow I managed to get up @ 6:00 am as planned. I don't even do this for work. Normally if
I set the alarm for 6:00 am I don't actually force myself to roll out of bed until somewhere between 6:15 & 6:30. To tell the truth, the only reason I awoke so early is my work called wanting me to come in. Nope can't do it, today's a special day. I roll over and see that mr man is not beside in bed. I thought awesome! He actually got up. Then I realized that his side seemed suspiciously unused. Turns out that he spent the entire night and I really mean entire night drinking and playing on the computer. Which pissed me off because a) last time he spend the entire night on the computer he was talking to some chick. and b) last time we went to Canada's Wonderland he had been drinking the night before and due to hangover related reasons we didn't take advantage of many rides.My girlfriend picked the three of us up around 7:30 which is a half hour late, which was good for all of us seeing as neither of us except my son are exactly what you call rosy morning people.The drive was okay. mr man was cranky at first and I started to worry that his mood wouldn't pass. But alas he fell asleep most of the way. (by the way I took a real nice pic of him napping with his mouth hanging open and drool pooling at the sides of his mouth! Tee hee.) Most of the ride was pleasant and uneventful until we hit Toronto of course. Turned out that "bottleneck city's traffic incident of the day was a humongous pile of animal waste spanning across three lanes. When I say animal waste I don't mean moo poo. I refer to animal parts. Legs, hooves, brains, intestines....need I say more? From afar it looked like poop. But as we passed it the awful disgusting smell of decomposition was overwhelmingly unmistakable. Besides I highly doubt there is any animal that shits other animals body parts...Whole.When we arrived my friend managed to scalp our extra ticket. Bravo!At first we split up my friend and I together and mr man with my son. Once we met up I discovered that my son had declining most of the rides. (first timer fear). I convinced him to go on Mine Buster with me and nearly chickened out half way through the line. I knew that I was taking a risk. Urging him to go on could either cure him of his fear or exasperate it. But I knew Mine Buster was pretty low key, a regular roller coaster. But I knew that if I let him turn around he may never try again, besides he was with mommy. I also secretly dreaded taking the "walk of shame" Anyways he loved it he was thrilled and wanted to go again. Perhaps we were pushing it but we convinced him to go on a higher, faster thrill ride. Unfortunately the line was huge and at one point my son got a case of serious mud butt! In the end he continued on to the ride and loved that too.I have to say that my adventure in wonderland was superb. I couldn't take my eyes off my boy. The look on his tiny little excited face was pure sunshine. Seeing him happy makes my heart expand, in a good way.But... The creme de la creme was the last ride I went on before we left. Xtreme Flyer Kind of like a bungee jump except 2-3 people are raised 170 feet in the air than instead of dropping you actually soar the air in an arc. My friend and I agreed to do the extreme deed together. The boys thought we were crazy and I think my son was seriously worried because he came up to us in line about a dozen times asking if were sure...Saying "ya it's not too late to hop over the fence and change your mind" Na we were a doing it! Besides we paid $22 buckaroos each and no refunds. I also felt the need to prove to myself that I have some brave bones.So we soared and it was the most exhilarating and exciting experience ever. The feeling of weightlessness and flying through the air like a bird above the crowds was like none other. I now understand some people's addiction to extreme sports such as sky diving, hang gliding and the sort. I felt a beautiful rush of positive energy course through me. I pushed my limits, tackled a fear and it felt great!

Today was most definatly a magical day

2006-08-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

Canada's Wonderland tomorrow. Should be interesting. I wrongly assumed my friend's hubby was coming which would have been great because he could have served as a "buffer" for cranky mr man who is chicken shit of all the rides and prefers to walk around grumbling all day.
Details to follow.

2006-08-21T21:02:00.000-07:00

CHEERS! The birthday party was much more successful than I could have possibly imagined. The days leading up to it though, I was a wreck. I don't know why. This year ws like any other. I handled all the arrangements, phone calls and running around while mr man did jack shit. That wasn't the problem though. My son wanted to have his party @ East Park intensity. Which is an amusement park with several activities like go carts, golfing, water park and an indoor area with rock climbing and token games. Birthday parties are a minimum 7 kids and you pay no matter how many show up. And it ain't cheap. After my son gave out his 7 invitations he started getting RSVP's from kids who couldn't come. So I was like you better invite some back up kids so we aren't paying for ghost guests. Bad idea. In the end everyone showed up and we had 10 kids! Thank the lord every single child was extremely well behaved. No squabbling, no whining, no accidents and the little angels even picked up their mess after the hot dogs and cake!
My boy was elated that in total he got $150 in birthday money and a $150 gift card to Sport Mart from my uncle. I'm broke and exhausted but the happiness my son felt when he got to go shopping and spend his cash was worth it. He's an excellent shopper by the way. He got himself 2 shirts, a pair of on sale Air Jordan's, a necklace and a big bag of kernels popcorn. He's holding on to the gift certificate till he sees something he really likes. Way to go boy, you are officially a bargain hunter just like your ma!

2006-08-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

Tommorow is my son's birthday. I think I'm half crazy with all the planning and stuff. The party starts at 1:30. Until around 2:30 when my mom and mr man get off work, I'll be the only adult....at a water park....with 9 kids. Lord help me. More details to follow...if I survive.

2006-08-11T19:16:00.000-07:00

Grandpa is sick. I had been thinking long thoughts about him the past few weeks. Feeling like a piece of shit because I haven't visited him in a few months. It used to be that I would go to his place every weekend since Grandma died. I'd go with my mom, take my son and sister. Ever since grandma died he's been quite frankly a slob. A result of a lifetime of being spoiled by a loving, dotting wife. So we'd vacuum, do his dishes and laundry, organize his junk (he never throws anything out cause "ya never know when that 10 year old doohickey might come in handy) . I would usually take him grocery shopping, he'd wait in the car while I went in and got the food.

So anyways I was feeling like a heel because I felt strongly that I needed to go see him yet I just couldn't find the time. Finally I had the day off and I called mom and said "We'd better go see grandpa". We didn't even call to see if he was home we just went. When we walked in the door I was blown away. His place is always messy and in disarray but this time things were way, way out of hand. Fruit flies were buzzing around, half eaten plates of food surrounded his t.v. chair, the sink was completely filled with dishes and don't even ask me about the state of his washroom. I looked in the fridge and it was near empty.

Feelings of guilt washed over me and I nearly cried. How could I have let things get like this. I feel as if I had abandoned the one man who has never ever let me down. Grandpa was always there for me when nobody else was.

When he told me that his phone hadn't been working for sometime I realized why he hadn't been calling. So leaving my mom, sister and my son to clean up and "disinfect" his apartment, I took grandpa to buy new phones at the Bell store and get groceries. When we got to the mall I saw just how badly his health is these days. He's had gout for years now and walking for too long is always painful for him. But he could hardly make it down the hall. I ended up getting him a wheel chair from customer service and wheeled him around. It hurt me to see him in such pain. At the Bell store the associate was asking for his home number, address etcetera and grandpa couldn't remember. He has his phone number written on a piece of paper in his wallet and I provided rest of the info on his behalf. He goes to pay for the phones and can't remember his pin code for his debit card, luckily I remembered his pin code due to all the times I've done his grocery shopping.

Throughout the day I was seeing signs that grandpa is losing his memory. Before we left we wrote down all his important numbers and info on a notepad for him. The next day though he was in the hospital. They did a CAT scan and figure that he's most likely had some more strokes and they say that he has fluid in his lungs, a sign of pneumonia. Because they didn't have any available beds he waited on a stretcher to be admitted for 48 hours before getting fed up and going home. I went to see him today and discovered that he's been taking his meds sporadically missing doses here and there and sometimes missing as much as a week. We made an appointment to see his doc next week and hopefully he'll be able to shed some light on his situation. Perhaps we can work a new system for his meds and get some answers regarding his fluid on the lungs. Knowing that dementia is not necessarily a normal part of aging, I hope that that is all his memory loss is attributed to and not alzheimers.

Seeing people go through this at work is one thing, but when it's your family it's a whole other ball game. I feel responsible for him in so many ways. When he was teaching me how to drive we made a deal. Because he was getting ready to surrender his license because of his failing eye sight, he said "I'll teach you how to drive and you'll drive me around to appointments and stuff." And I did do that, but little by little my life became more chaotic, juggling jobs and my home life and everything else I lost track of the importance of caring for grandpa.

I can't let that happen again. He needs me, he's told me so. I don't know how much time he has left on this earth and I vow to do everything I can to make that time, comfortable and dignified for him.

IT AIN'T EASY BEING ME.

2006-08-03T16:49:00.000-07:00

Damn, damn, diddly damn! I should have known better than to let my guard down. Shame on me for foolishly thinking that the good would stay good. I spent years of struggling and clawing my way up to where I am now only to find out that my goal is much further than I thought.

I've worked multiple jobs at the same time for the past 5 years or so and finally I've got the job that I've always wanted, the one that affords me to provide the things that my family and I need. We had talked about it and came up with the decision that I would shave things down to one job. We figured that it pays me well enough that I should be able to kick back a bit and spend more time @ home where I'm needed. Take back my weekends so to speak.
So I handed in my resignation at the lesser paying job last week.

Tonight Mr man calls from work and informs me that his employer is planning indefinite layoffs, more details on Tuesday. So everyone gets to spend the Civic holiday worrying about their jobs.

I should have known. Life is never ever easy. I should have known that there would be a price to pay for my so called success.

We''ll get through this I know. If Mr man and I have anything at all in common it's that we are both survivors. When it comes down to the nitty gritty, we work great together.

I just feel awful though. I feel as if God has singled me out. I feel as if I have been chosen to battle so many, many hardships. I just wish I knew why. I worry that I won't always have the strength to fight and overcome my circumstances.

It ain't easy being me.

2006-07-31T19:34:00.000-07:00

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2006-07-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

My son is @ his grandma's for the weekend. (mr man's ma) All week I couldn't wait for him to go. We've been butting heads lately and all I could think of was how badly I wanted him to go away to grandma's. Now he's gone and I miss him like crazy.

2006-07-21T15:53:00.000-07:00

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2006-07-20T13:40:00.000-07:00

Strangest thing happened to me last week at the grocery store. Well maybe not the strangest but still peculiar.

I was leaving the store with my son and this lady comes up to me and says, "excuse me, can you give me a ride home?" I was flabbergasted by this request I mean most people don't walk up to complete strangers and ask them for rides. At least not in this day and age in this society.
Perhaps I heard wrong, I said what? She goes "you have a car right? I live a few blocks away can-you-give-me-a-ride?
This chicks talking to me like I'm an idiot and I'm evaluating her trying to figure out this awkward situation, she looks to be in her late 40's maybe early 50's. Clean, conservatively dressed. She seemed harmless but I don't take risks, especially since I had my son with me.
So I say "no I'm sorry but I don't feel comfortable taking strangers in my car." Then she actually started to get mad and says "fine then I'll walk." Stupid me feels guilty and I actually offered to pay for a cab, but than she actually blew me off, said forget it and walked away!
What The F***K

2006-07-19T18:34:00.000-07:00

What a day, I'm exhausted. My day started around 2 this morning when mr man stumbled home from a "night out" which by the way are happening more and more frequently. When I told him I was pissed about this he said that I should consider 2 in the morning a normal time for him to come home considering he used to come home closer to 5 or 6 am if at all.
Excuse moi? Taking in to account the fact that he used to roam around drunk and partying who knows where with who knows whom that's even more reason that I shouldn't have to accept it now.
Just like usual mr man found a way to turn the argument full circle & make me the bad guy. He wanted a smoke and I informed him that I was smoking my last one. Mr man isn't a regular smoker, he only smokes when he drinks. Which I guess would make him a regular smoker!
So he goes on to whine that now he has to walk to the store for a pack of smokes. He emphasizes walk because somehow it's my fault that he can't drive. He can't drive because a) he's intoxicated and b) he has no license because he has a DUI. He never misses a chance to remind me of how lucky I am that I get to drive around in the car that he helped to pay for. Yay! Lucky me. I'm the only driver in the household and I have the fantastic privilege of spending every spare moment I have at my 3rd job...Mom's Taxi Service.

Went to an appointed I had at the gym I recently joined for a fit test. Basically this mandatory fit test for "insurance reasons" is just another way for those fit freaks to suck more money out of me. In the end the way to bubbly kinesiologist informed me that in order to reach my fitness goals and to increase my fitness knowledge she recommends that I use a personal trainer @ least 2x a week. So she says let me go show your profile and results to my fitness director and see what he thinks. Okay so I wait. she comes back and says come in, let's pow wow with the director. So I sit down in his office and she starts to babble in her make me puke overly happy tone of voice. Explaining to this guy my results, her recommendations and what not. In my head I'm thinking what the hell were you guys talking about before I came in? Then I realized that she's telling him all this for my benefit. This conference reeked of being staged. While I was sitting out in the hall they were probably in here picking their noses to see who could fling their booger furthest. Thinking of what strategy they were gonna use to sucker me out of more money.
So I politely thank them for their time and tell them that I have a friend with a membership here that can show me the ropes for free. So no thanks I ain't spending an extra $400 bucks on a personal trainer.

I get home and my son is pissed because we were late for his Tai kwon do class. He has a hissy fit, mr man has a fit and I want to just turn around and walk right back out the door, get in my car and just keep on driving as far as I can until I run out of gas.

After driving mr man to work I went grocery shopping and I thought to myself how nice it would be if I picked up a pack of coolers went home and drank them on the porch while I grilled a few pork chops. So I picked up a pack of Mike's raspberry and didn't drink them they are still in the fridge. Once I got home reality set in and decided I couldn't drink them until after my son's afternoon class seeing as I have to drive and all. Then I just canned the whole cooler idea altogether when I remembered that mom's taxi has to pick mr man up from work at 11.
Perhaps I'll try again with better luck tomorrow.

2006-07-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

I promised myself that I'd work with what I got. Yet still I feel guilty wanting more.

2006-07-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

"I'm having a hard time keeping my head above water in this crazy business."
- River Phoenix

2006-06-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a chick @ work who told me that most pre teens are monsters. She said that the key to survival is to be CONSISTENT with consequences and support. Let him know that you won't take any crap and also let him know that you always have his back. And above all else, do not take it personal. She went on to say that although it's a long time to wait, but someday they'll grow up and have kids and see the light knowing first hand what the heck they put us through!

I feel better now.

2006-06-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

On days such as today, I ask myself what the hell have I gotten myself into? When I was pregnant my mother's best friend said to me, "this kid, it's gonna be yours for the rest of your life" Her tone sounded like a warning and really until now I didn't fully understand her meaning.

Raising a boy is tough man really tough. Raising an adolescent boy is super fucking tough. It's hard to keep your cool when this kid is having a tantrum and telling you he hates you. All this because I've grounded him for not coming in on time and deceiving me about his whereabouts.

I have nothing to compare to his behavior to. I don't know anyone with boys his age and so far I can't find parental info online that even comes close to describing this preteen stuff.

I'm angry and frustrated because up until now, I had patience and as a parent I had never been presented with a situation that I couldn't work out. Mr. Man is just as frustrated as I am. But I don't think the pressure is as heavy on him. He works afternoons and usually doesn't witness the attitude that I see.

At this point my reaction is no action. I honestly have no clue what to do and what to say. I'm disappointed in my son for his behavior and disappointed in myself for having no answers.

2006-05-30T20:10:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting conversation with one of my coworkers the other night. She was telling me about how her uncle had sexually assaulted her several times when she was a teen. I was thinking there thinking holy crap. This woman is opening up to me, she's sharing and trusting me with stuff that weighs heavy on her heart. I too had a similar experience that completely broke me. Despite everything else I've been through in my younger years nothing else left me feeling so ragged and ashamed. For me the experience was so horrific that in my mind I folded it up and tucked it away deep deep in my heart. Like her I told my mother and nothing was done about it, she swept it away. I've never dealt with it and never talked about and still can't muster up the strength to write in detail of it.

I was hoping that I would take the opportunity to finally talk with someone who would identify with me and understand exactly how I feel. In the end though I couldn't do it.
I go through life wearing what they call the "mask". And I'm comfortable in that zone. The happy zone where the people I interact with don't know my stories. What they see and know of me is only a surface buffer that I've created. I don't like people feeling sorry for me and I don't like the awkward feeling of being different.

Regardless, I was touched that my coworker feels close enough to me to share her story, I just wish I could have done the same.

2006-05-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

My son competed in the regional track and field finals today and got 3rd place for the 1500 run! Wow man, blew me away. He was pretty nervous going into this. I don't think that he expected to qualify. But he did and came out a star. I don't care that he didn't get 1st or 2nd. What has made me proud is the dedication he's demonstrated, getting up early for running club and going to the high school across the street after school to practice.

2006-05-23T18:23:00.000-07:00

I read an interesting story in Readers Digest last night, which by the way is a most excellent Canadian magazine. The fact that you can find a copy in almost any waiting room or lobby anywhere is a testament to it's popularity.

The story is being told by a man who is recounting his life events surrounding is father who was schizophrenic. Unlike my father his actually lived in an institution and he described the weekly visits he'd make with his family. They'd go for walks, go out for ice cream and such.

The story tells of a family that was able to embrace and accept the father's illness. I envy him. Despite our stories having different circumstances. Now I wonder why his father with the same illness and was described as a gentle quiet man was institutionalized for life while mine who not only suffers this mental illness but also had many, many drug problems was subject to a few months at a time of treatment then kicked out on to the street forced to deal with his problems on his own.
I wonder now if street drugs were an outlet for him. A way to escape the pain and troubles that seem to have followed him all of his life.

I've spent a life time of holding on to resentment towards him. For everything he did and didn't for me and with me. I have always kept my focus on his drug use. I think that I had tunnel vision. He hurt me bad. But I never really stopped to consider what daily turmoil he was/is going through. People have always turned their backs on him because of his behavior and the choices he's made. I am beginning to realize that my father walks around in a state of confusion. I mean how can someone who has a mental illness with no support system and who is bum rushed through the system than kicked to the curb possibly be equipped to take care of himself?

I have feelings of guilt because I've always blamed him. Now I'm forced to consider blaming the illness. Blaming the drugs. Blaming the system that failed him. Possibly blaming us for not trying to understand.

I have feelings of guilt knowing that I'm sitting here with my loving family and friends in my warm, cozy home. While he's out there somewhere trying to survive on the mean streets.

I feel guilty when I read reports about how a significant portion of our cities homeless have mental illness and how institutions are pushing out patient services. Where instead of being safely housed under their roofs patients are discharged and told to return daily for their meds and a quick check up.

Last time we spoke I told him to never contact me again. That I had had enough of his sometimes there sometimes not in my life behavior. I think I regret now.

He will never be the father I've always wanted because he can't. If he died right now I would forever carry my regrets in my heart for not understanding and accepting him for who and what he is. Right now I regret that I don't know him. And one day I don't want to have to say that my father is dead and I blew off the chance to know who he really is.

2006-04-28T22:09:00.000-07:00

I saw monster neighbor today. I had figured that if I ran into her, I would tell her off say something smart like, hey look it's the crazy bitch just to piss her off. But then when I looked at her, I suddenly felt sorry for her. I mean she's really fucking miserable. I suppose I should acknowledge the fact that sometime somewhere in this gals life, something fucked up. Made her snap. So I felt sorry for her and her pathetic life and her troubled kids. I just shook my head and walked past.

I made a whole chicken tonight and nearly puked after eating it. I think I may have basted it too much. I can't help it, I like crispy skin.

Mr. Man's best friend was over tonight. He told me that today he discovered that the word EVIL is LIVE backwards. I knew that already but never considered what he insinuated. He doesn't think it's a coincidence. hmm...I don't know about that one. He has a good point. You don't see too many words that read 2 different words forward and back. Add that to fact that the 2 words are somewhat related....

2006-04-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

My son had a fever last night. We were able to bring it down with cold clothes and tyelonal. I let him go to school and now I regret it because I am worried about him. His sleep was interrupted last night and what if he gets sick while at school. I would feel guilty.

I walked into the bank to deposit cash this am and walked right back out. The line was snaked right to the door. No thanks. It was loud and crowded and I could feel the anxious energy blast at me as I opened the door. Atmospheres like that test my patience. I'll make the deposit later, it can wait.

On the way home I stopped at Edward Jones and signed for the next "Smart Women finish Rich" seminar. The events that led me there are kinda interesting. The office is across the street from my house and everyday for the past few months I drive by their road side sign. Big bold neons letters advertising the seminar. A few times my son actually commented on the sign. Jokingly saying are you a smart woman mom? Are you going to finish rich? I thought about expanding my investments a few times, ya know don't want to keep all your eggs in one basket.
So the other day I took my son for his hair cut. While we were waiting as he sprawled out on the bench under the sunlight beaming in the window as if he's getting a tan or something. We talked about how he wants to be an NBA player when he grows up, but he also wants to go to University or College in case he doesn't make it or if he does make it, in case he gets injured.
There was a lady sitting beside me smiling and watching my son. She asked him if he went to Hilcrest school and he "no, I used to but now I go to such and such school. She's said " I used to go to Hilcrest" he goes " You were a teacher?" she laughs and said "no, I was a student there when I was a child many, many years ago" "I went to Montcalm H.S. and so did my kids. I go, "Oh yeah? I graduated from that school too, in fact I've lived in this area most of my life" she says same here. And there begins our conversation of temporary friends who have something in common. Temporary? Who knows? Perhaps our paths will someday cross again.
Anyways we started talking about parenting and paying for post secondary school. I wondered out loud what the cost would be compared to what my investments will cover. And Bam she mentions that seminar. A light when off in my head! I'm the type of person that believes when signs present themselves in your life you should not ignore them. When certain changes are meant to be made in your life, signs will continuously present themselves until you follow.
So here I am now. I heeded the signs and signed up for the damn seminar.

2006-04-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

Well it seems my neighbor has delcared war on me. For the second time I caught her screaming at my son whose basketball had landed in her yard. (She lives beside the court for crying out loud) So I went to her house to straighten things out, after I can't sit back while she freaks out on my boy. I was standing there on her porch and she comes running out of her house at me like a fucking linebacker! This butch who weighs no less than 200lbs, I'm sure decided that the best way to handle this was to stick her finger in my face and use her body weight to shove me around! She's screaming fuck this and fuck that, I'm pretty sure she was foaming at the mouth as well. So I said forget it, you dumb crazy bitch and I went home Man was surprised that I didn't call the cops and I'm not sure why I didn't. Anyways I made a formal complaint to our board of directors so @ least this is on record in writing.
This one crazy bitch I'm talking about here. It's no surprise her kids are messed up. She's got a 6 yr old that enjoys escaping out her bedroom window and running away, a 10 yr old that gets pleasure out of choking people, a 13 yr old that acts like an 8 yr old and finally a 20 something year that can't wait to get the fuck out of the house!

2006-04-25T18:42:00.000-07:00

There's a car sitting in the driveway parked beside mine that I'm pretty sure is a stolen car. I've come to this conclusion mainly because the top part of the door is bent and partly open and the glove box inside is hanging open with the papers scattered about the front seat and dash. Why haven't I reported it? You may ask. Well my reasons are such. Last time I reported a bunch of punks I witnessed breaking in to cars I ended up in court as a witness. (the perps crashed into and injured a cop as they were arriving creating a very big case) My full name appeared on court documents and the perps had the pleasure of seeing the face of the person who called them in. I felt very uncomfortable with that and since then I've decided to "not get involved". Unless I see someone someone getting hurt or something like that, I ain't seen Jack!

2006-04-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

Last night a female resident fell and badly injured herself on her way to the bathroom. I was sitting there with my coworker trying to comfort the poor dear as we were waiting for the ems when my coworker suddenly started talking about her son and his dental problems. I mean here we were trying to soothe this lady who has a skin tear on her knee to the bone and a possible fractured hip. The whole left side of her body from face to knee is black and purple and this chick wants to chat about her son! Some people man. Some people and their non awareness of other people's needs just blow me away! I'm pretty damn sure this 80 something year old resident is not interested in hearing about someone else's personal woes while she herself is in horrible agony with the possibility at her age of never fully recovering.

We live to die

2006-04-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

I'm surrounded by death everyday at work. I care for people who have came to live their last stages of life there. People with different stories, different lives. In the end they live the same life. As they wait for death they succumb their lives into the hands of strangers.
I've heard this advice over and over "don't ever get old, it ain't fun" and "take care of yourself now while you have the time"

When I go into their rooms I try to make a point of observing the family pictures they display on their walls and night stands. I look for clues of what their life was before now. It's so much easier to identify residents as people rather than residents when you know their story.

What's difficult is watching people as they surrender their bodies to what ails them. Death decides the process, quick or slow and painful. I hate watching people as they begin the process of wasting away. When they decide to let life slip away. It saddens me to know that everytime I walk through that door could be the last time with this particular person laying in the bed, alive.

It warms my heart when not only do I get to know the people but they get to know me. When I enter their room and they greet me by name or say hello sweety. When they feel comfortable knowing that they are important to me. When They chat with me and tell me about their families and life experiences they have had. When they confide their concerns and fears with me.

In many ways I feel honored to walk side by side with these people helping them and guiding them along as they make final what needs to be made final.

Death waits for all of us. We live to die

2006-04-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'm reading Cell by Stephen King. Page 20 says, "the body knows how to fight when it has to"..."a secret the body keeps, just as it does the secrets how to run or jump a creek or throw a fuck or quite likely die."..."under extreme stresse the body simply takes over and does what needs doing while the brain stands off to one side."

Ehhh I agree with the automatic fight or flight mechanism. But I believe that instinct is actually pocketed away in your brain saved for special occasions. I'm pretty sure that at some point in my life I heard that the fight or flight instinct is triggered in your brain when certain hormones are released when faced with an extreme situation springing it into action. Your brain then sends it's instructions to the rest of the body. At this point your brain decides whether your body fights for it's life or skidaddles or .

I went to a baby shower on sunday and I must say for a generally non creative individual, I'm damn proud of the basket I put together.

We were sitting there eating cake and one of the grandmothers says so how do all you girls know each other, you seem close? We got to talking about how most of us (about 20) knew each other since grade school. We've always just fit. My best friend Carrie hit it on the button when she said, "some people change friends like underwear, but not us." Some of us have known each for other 20 years now. You know your blessed when you have life long quality friends.

2006-03-20T07:20:00.000-08:00

He threw french fries in my face. In the car with my sister and my son in the back seat. Craft class ran a little late and he was having a hissy fit thinking I'd be late dropping him off at work.
I got him there 10 minutes early.
Driving home a I struggled to hold back the tears. My throat became dry and tight and my eyes betrayed me becoming blurry and forcing me to wipe them allowing the tears to escape. I tried to disguise wiping my tears by trying appear as if I was casually rubbing my eyes.

A lot of people have given Mr. Man flack for giving me a big ass ring and not proposing. He asked me if hypothetically he proposed, what would I say? I said hypothetically, no. He seemed offended and surprised about my answer. That's what frustrates me the most. He just doesn't get it.

Mom's not talking me. I took my sister shopping and afterwards I said to my mom that perhaps she could encourage and help my sister to take care of her stuff and keep it clean. I said do you know what I mean? She said no. Well mother in January I bought her a coat and today when she came over it was so filthy that she's wearing it inside out. I know that 8 yr olds get dirty but come on now teach her to get in the habit of wiping spills and maybe you can wash her stuff here and there. Despite being an A+ student and a genius my sister has low self esteem and she says that the other kids at school pick on her. I have no doubt it's because my mom sends her to school in rags. I try to talk to mom about this but she has always been emotionally detatched from me. Any conversation that becomes too serious leads to her becoming distant and unresponsive. She hung up on me.

Financially I've been good. Been working my ass off. I'm socking away more than ever. I'm glad to say that at 27 I have a really good investment portfolio. Including my son's RESP and my retirement savings. I've dedicated a high interest savings account for my future mortgage down payment with every $500 I buy mutual funds.

My son is good. I was watching him eat his waffles and bacon this morning sitting there at the table, beside the window with sunshine glowing on his skin and sparkling in his big beautiful brown eyes. He looked up at me and blew me a kiss and said "love ya mom".
And I thought to myself, thank the Lord for I am blessed.

2006-01-24T19:31:00.000-08:00

On my own for the first time today @ the new job. Driving to work this morning sipping my coffee I nearly puked due to nervousness. I get there prepared with my little handwritten notes concealed in my pocket, thinking that maybe just maybe I might be okay.
No such thing! My first day and they go assign a student nurse to follow me around. Supposedly so I can train her. WTF!!!
The first half of the day was a bit of a disaster. I'm walking around trying desperately to remember everything from training, trying to get into the routine and here I have this chick following me around asking me all sorts of questions! Gawd damn girl I don't know. I said "look I'm sorry but I'm new so if you have general medical questions, ask away. Anything specific though I can't help ya out. That was retarded and I felt that managed should have been a little more sensitive than to assign a student to a new employee!

Took my boy to swimming lessons. He missed last week. Get this, last week I was stressed out due to all the intensive training and my crazy as hell schedule that I got a huge throbbing headache. Despite the pain in my head I didn't want to let my boy down so I took him to his lessons. We never made it.

I'm driving around downtown trying to find parking when all of a sudden I get a wave of nausea. Of I'm on a retarded one way street with parking on both sides and rush hour traffic all around me. No where to pull over. I tried to breath slow and deep hold it in to no avail. It just came up while I was driving! I grabbed my son's towel from his swim bag and tried my best to empty my stomach contents on it and not the car seat and myself.

So we drove back home and I got of the car with puke oozing down the front of my jacket. I felt humiliated because Mr. Man chewed me out for going out in the first place when I knew I wasn't feeling well.

Just another one those times that remind me that I'm not super woman and I need recognize when my body is telling to slow it down.

2006-01-23T18:58:00.000-08:00

It's election day and once again I cast my ballot already knowing that my party will not be elected. It's very embarrassing how this country is in the habit reelecting people that have very clear records of corruption, lying and theft of our tax dollars. Anyways the local NDP candidate in my area has a good chance of making it over the Liberal candidate and that's where I know my vote will count the most.