Quite frankly I feel as if I am in a perpetual state of depression. It cycles up & down but mainly I'm depressed. It sucks to always be that one person in every crowd that never let's loose to have fun. That one person who always seems to be holding back. Never completly comfortable or relaxed. I'm sick & tired of that person being me. I hate a lot of people. I don't hate in the sense that I dislike anyone. It's just most people make me sick. It makes me nauseous to be around folks that are pretty much happy. Because I'm jealous. Some people are really happy & others are sort of or somewhat happy with thier lives. So they get to benefit from the perks of being normal & can therfore smile a little, let loose a little & generally feel ok. It is so difficult to be happy for happy people when my life so not happy.

I'm reading this book called I Know This Much Is True. About 2 identical twins, one has schizophrenia. It takes you through their lives past & present. Shows the struggle one brother has between his ingrained obligation to constantly be his brothers protector & the resentment he feels towards his brother for consuming his life. Anyways I was reading it today & thought oh yeah. My father has schizophrenia. (Flashing light bulb in head.) A family history of diagnosed mental illness. Mom isn't always too bright either. Not trying to be flippant about it though, she just at times (often actually) doesn't always make the most logical decisions. What about me? I had never considered that perhaps I am susceptible to neurological disabilities. What if all this time I've been whining & bitching about my life & the people in it, I was actually the problem? Whoa that's a fat ass pill to swallow.

Been busy & stressed lately. Mr man's best friend past away, my best friend is moving to Australia, another friend is going through a painful breakup, my car broke down 2 days ago..@ work..7 in the morning..1st cold ass big snow fall day of the year...paid up the ass for new battery...fighting with mr man over stupid shit...the list is endless.

Tommorow my best friend and I are going to get together & do some paint-by-numbers. One of the things I really love about our friendship is the fact that we can comfortably do nerdy things together without feeling nerdy.

Hello dear ol' friend,
It's been quite some time since I moaned of my secret struggles into your ever attentive ear. Next to my human best friend you're the best. You listen so patiently while I unload unto you the heavy baggage I carry upon my shoulders.

Since our last interaction a lot has changed & a lot hasn't.
Biggest change: Mr Man was permanently laid off a few days before Christmas. My 1st reaction was: "Those Fuckers!" My 2nd: We'll survive, we've been in similar situations before. My 3rd: Fuck when does it ever end?

My son is currently in the wonderful (& when I say wonderful, I say it with slight sarcasm) stages of adolescence. Adolescence, you say, what's that? Well lets just say that you never really understand this particular stage in life until your own child goes through it. Then you say to yourself, "Ohh now I understand exactly how I made my parents feel when I was this age.

Truly though, I see how some other kids my son's age behave & I thank the lord that I've been blessed with a fairly good kid.

In my son's case adolescence also involves the ever dreaded braces. He dreads the change in physical image, I dread the cost. Thank heaven for payment plans.

I've been working my ass off lately. Which I always do. But the added pressure of being the sole money maker right now is wearing me thin. I'm so happy that I have this weekend off because lately I've felt as if my 3rd eye has been detecting this little flashing light in the back of my brain like an emergency beacon. And the thinner I spread myself the closer the light comes to the forefront. In short I have been feeling closer & closer to crashing into a mental meltdown.

On the flip side. A few days ago a dear friend & I relaxed with wine & crackers w/cheese while watching The Planet Earth DVDs. Muchly needed divine time.

The other day after my night shift, in the elevator on my way to the parking garage I realized that I had misplaced my change purse which contained my car keys. I searched my bag & it clearly wasn't there, but I searched it a minimum of a dozen times possibly hoping that maybe the purse was hiding behind some wrinkle in the fabric that I didn't notice before. Thinking, please, please be there. Then I thought oh shit what if it fell out as I was getting out of the car & it's laying there on the seat. Locked up, inaccessible. Then like anyone else, because I'm human, I got a feeling of faint hope that maybe it fell out as I was getting out of the car but it fell on the ground.
So I'm walking to my car, & I'm silently praying that a) my change purse is in fact laying innocently beside my car on the ground patiently waiting for me to rescue it. and b) That if it's not on the ground, nobody is around to watch me peer through the windows of my car somehow feeling like a car thief while, trying to appear casual like it's normal for me to peer through my windows & get down on all fours to look under on my car before I get in. While actually looking like a person who has obviously locked their keys in their car & is foolishly trying act as if they haven't.

Unfortunately for me, that morning I was that person. My change purse was not on the ground . And it seemed as if everyone was in the parking garage @ that exact moment. I'd "casually" look in the windows & look up as my friends were driving by, & actually smile & wave as if there's no trouble @ all over here! And as soon as they passed by I'd give the door handle a quick discreet yank. Unrealistically hoping that's it's unlocked even though I can clearly see through the glass that the door is in fact locked. Shit I'm human. Besides you never know perhaps when I was exiting my car the door didn't completely close & therefore is still open. No such luck.

So I'm forced to accept the fact that I'll have to suck it up & retrace my steps & call around to various offices to see if my purse was miraculously found & turned in. Damn I had to face the humiliation reserved for the population of people that have become victims of their own stupidity.

In the end I spent $25 on a cab to home & back to work to retrieve my spare key. Only thing is when I got back to work with my spare, @ this point the cloud of shame was beginning to lift, I decided to retrace my steps a second time. And lo & behold there it was sitting innocently on the bottom of the coat closet. How did I miss it? Shit I could have saved $25 if only I had noticed it the first time! Hereon begins the fantasy stage called if only I could turn back time. Is that what Cher was really singing about?

Dear friend our visit has been delightful. Once again you have allowed me to transfer a little bit of the weight of my many burdens onto your shoulders. And I thank you because I now feel lighter and that little emergency beacon has begun to retreat a little further back in my mind.
Till next time...

Today I had a patient literally die while I was standing @ her bed side holding her hand. This being the first time anyone has actually died while in my presence, this person left a profound impression on me.

I realized today just how important my job really is. Working in long term care, the most significant part of our nursing care is to hold the hands of these people as they walk through the end stages of life.