Tommorow my best friend and I are going to get together & do some paint-by-numbers. One of the things I really love about our friendship is the fact that we can comfortably do nerdy things together without feeling nerdy.

Hello dear ol' friend,
It's been quite some time since I moaned of my secret struggles into your ever attentive ear. Next to my human best friend you're the best. You listen so patiently while I unload unto you the heavy baggage I carry upon my shoulders.

Since our last interaction a lot has changed & a lot hasn't.
Biggest change: Mr Man was permanently laid off a few days before Christmas. My 1st reaction was: "Those Fuckers!" My 2nd: We'll survive, we've been in similar situations before. My 3rd: Fuck when does it ever end?

My son is currently in the wonderful (& when I say wonderful, I say it with slight sarcasm) stages of adolescence. Adolescence, you say, what's that? Well lets just say that you never really understand this particular stage in life until your own child goes through it. Then you say to yourself, "Ohh now I understand exactly how I made my parents feel when I was this age.

Truly though, I see how some other kids my son's age behave & I thank the lord that I've been blessed with a fairly good kid.

In my son's case adolescence also involves the ever dreaded braces. He dreads the change in physical image, I dread the cost. Thank heaven for payment plans.

I've been working my ass off lately. Which I always do. But the added pressure of being the sole money maker right now is wearing me thin. I'm so happy that I have this weekend off because lately I've felt as if my 3rd eye has been detecting this little flashing light in the back of my brain like an emergency beacon. And the thinner I spread myself the closer the light comes to the forefront. In short I have been feeling closer & closer to crashing into a mental meltdown.

On the flip side. A few days ago a dear friend & I relaxed with wine & crackers w/cheese while watching The Planet Earth DVDs. Muchly needed divine time.

The other day after my night shift, in the elevator on my way to the parking garage I realized that I had misplaced my change purse which contained my car keys. I searched my bag & it clearly wasn't there, but I searched it a minimum of a dozen times possibly hoping that maybe the purse was hiding behind some wrinkle in the fabric that I didn't notice before. Thinking, please, please be there. Then I thought oh shit what if it fell out as I was getting out of the car & it's laying there on the seat. Locked up, inaccessible. Then like anyone else, because I'm human, I got a feeling of faint hope that maybe it fell out as I was getting out of the car but it fell on the ground.
So I'm walking to my car, & I'm silently praying that a) my change purse is in fact laying innocently beside my car on the ground patiently waiting for me to rescue it. and b) That if it's not on the ground, nobody is around to watch me peer through the windows of my car somehow feeling like a car thief while, trying to appear casual like it's normal for me to peer through my windows & get down on all fours to look under on my car before I get in. While actually looking like a person who has obviously locked their keys in their car & is foolishly trying act as if they haven't.

Unfortunately for me, that morning I was that person. My change purse was not on the ground . And it seemed as if everyone was in the parking garage @ that exact moment. I'd "casually" look in the windows & look up as my friends were driving by, & actually smile & wave as if there's no trouble @ all over here! And as soon as they passed by I'd give the door handle a quick discreet yank. Unrealistically hoping that's it's unlocked even though I can clearly see through the glass that the door is in fact locked. Shit I'm human. Besides you never know perhaps when I was exiting my car the door didn't completely close & therefore is still open. No such luck.

So I'm forced to accept the fact that I'll have to suck it up & retrace my steps & call around to various offices to see if my purse was miraculously found & turned in. Damn I had to face the humiliation reserved for the population of people that have become victims of their own stupidity.

In the end I spent $25 on a cab to home & back to work to retrieve my spare key. Only thing is when I got back to work with my spare, @ this point the cloud of shame was beginning to lift, I decided to retrace my steps a second time. And lo & behold there it was sitting innocently on the bottom of the coat closet. How did I miss it? Shit I could have saved $25 if only I had noticed it the first time! Hereon begins the fantasy stage called if only I could turn back time. Is that what Cher was really singing about?

Dear friend our visit has been delightful. Once again you have allowed me to transfer a little bit of the weight of my many burdens onto your shoulders. And I thank you because I now feel lighter and that little emergency beacon has begun to retreat a little further back in my mind.
Till next time...

Today I had a patient literally die while I was standing @ her bed side holding her hand. This being the first time anyone has actually died while in my presence, this person left a profound impression on me.

I realized today just how important my job really is. Working in long term care, the most significant part of our nursing care is to hold the hands of these people as they walk through the end stages of life.

I LOVE YOU GRANDPA

This week I said goodbye to the only man that I have always been able to count on. The only man that has always supported me 100% & never let me down.
This world has lost a truly great & respected man.

To me grandpa was always "the man". I remember when mom attempted suicide & she was in the hospital, grandpa took me in to his home and took care of me. He'd buy me boxes of wagon wheels & sugary cereal and grandma would yell at him saying "YOUR ONLY BUYING THAT JUNK SO THAT YOU CAN EAT IT!"

He taught me how to play chess.


Man the pool parties! He had a large backyard with an above ground pool and wrap around deck which he built. They'd invite family & neighbours over and while the adults sat on the porch drinking & talking, my cousins & I would play in the pool.
Patio Lanterns by Kim Mitchell reminds me of these events. Grandpa had multicolored patio lanterns like in the video.

My son is grandpa's first of 2 great-grandchildren. When my son was born prematurly 2.5 lbs Grandpa tried to hold him but my baby son literally was swallowed up in grandpas huge bear paw hands.

Grandpa taught me how to drive. My aunt says I must have been something special to him because he refused to teach any of his kids how to drive due to an incident where he was driving and my grandma jumped out while the car was moving. (crazy argument I suppose)

The end was painful for him and it hurt my heart to see such a formaly formidable man experience such agonizing pain.

I stayed over night in his hospital room a couple of times. And I was grateful for the opportunity to privatly grieve without other people around. I was able to care for him. When he woke up in pain, I was there to hold his hand, rub his back and just give him love.

I know that when grandpa left this world he felt loved.
I know that now his pain is over.
I know that now he is in a peaceful place.
I know that now he will be watching over me.

I love you grandpa.

Excerpts from old diary

Life's Like that

It's like living in a bubble
It's like walking in slow motion
as the world speeds on by
It's like not crazy
because crazy is the norm
It's like speaking with no voice
it's like drowning,
suffocating
It's cruel
It's chaotic
it's like being on the bottom
wondering what's on top
Life's like that

Excerpts from old diary

If I don't say I love you
it doesn't mean I don't.
If I haven't said I love you
it doesn't mean I won't.
Just give me a little time and lots of care.
and soon the love in my heart
with you I will share.
Just to say I love you
is too easy to say.
Yet I want to say I love you
in a very different way.

Excerpts from old diary

TOUGH
Lost in a world no mercy no pain
Trapped between four walls
no windows no doors
to drive you insane
Trained as children to sit stand, roll over & beg
Follow the leader is not just a game
a lesson in life
obey the rules for big fortune and fame
rules are made to be broken
speak only only after spoken too
give this day our daily bread
only regret once blood is shed
respect your elders, they say
cause like them we will grow old
and depend on our children one day
if you don't have sunshine on a cloudy day
let the rain wash your tears away
guided down the yellow brick road
in the end your on your own we are told
let the rocks of life
smooth your pain
hold on tight to your heart
and make an entrance
no one can gain

Excerpts from old diary

We fear what is different.
Different causes change.
Those who fear change,
fear those who are different.

Excerpts from old diary

Your smile shines and I know I'm in love
and in your eyes I can see you love me too.
The desperation in my heart draws me to you
and when we touch
I know you feel the same attraction too.
They say beauty is only skin deep.
But between us is an invisible wall
because of our skin.
I wonder if we were together
would we last forever?
If that's what you want I haven't got a clue.
But in my dreams and every fantasy
I climb this wall that separates
me from you.

Excerpts from old diary

RESPECT
Sometimes it's hardest to get respect from the people who owe it the most.
Sometimes respect is earned
and sometimes it due.
Sometimes respect is needed.
Sometimes it's lacking.
Sometimes it's demanded.
But most importantly
If you've earned it
and it's due
and you ain't getting it
just remember
the best respect
is SELF RESPECT